Premature ejaculation can get you convicted for rape

Generally I don’t use the word ‘surreal’ in a context that doesn’t involve René Magritte, but this early in the morning no better modifier springs to mind.

A High Court panel led by Britain’s most senior judges has decreed that a man can still be convicted of rape even if the woman agreed to hanky-panky.

The landmark case involves a Muslim woman whose husband broke his promise not to ejaculate inside her. According to our top legal minds, the poor thing was therefore raped as she ‘was deprived of choice relating to the crucial feature on which her original consent to sexual intercourse was based’.

So a simple ‘yes’ from a woman is no longer sufficient to keep the man out of pokey. Consent must now include a list of ‘crucial features’, and any deviation constitutes a felony that women are these days conditioned to believe is worse than murder.

I wonder if Their Lordships have considered the full ramifications of their ruling. Suppose for the sake of argument, and I know this may not be a safe assumption, that intercourse between husband and wife takes place in private. How can the court be sure that a breach of contract occurred? How can the prosecution prove that the non-consensual spouting off resulted from malicious intent rather than a common malfunction?

After all, oral contracts, according to Sam Goldwin, aren’t worth the paper they are written on. Her word against his is often insufficient to convict even in a case of common-or-garden rape, defined by my trusted Chambers as ‘unlawful sexual intercourse (usu. by force) with another person’. When sex is consensual and therefore archaically defined as lawful, rape may become even harder to prove. Yet proved it must be for, as we know, underneath it all, and I’m sure Germaine Greer will agree, any sex is implicit rape.

Since, for old times’ sake, the burden of proof is still on the prosecution, there’s only one solution to the problem: consent must be stated in writing, by filling in a standard form made up of many rubrics. A stack of such forms, translated into at least 20 languages, must be issued free of charge to every couple, married or otherwise, and also to every man, woman or other looking for some action on a Saturday night.

To become legally binding, the form must be signed by both parties and then officially notarised, which may present something of a problem. You see, the decision to have sex frequently and irresponsibly involves no long-term planning. Not only can it be spontaneous but, even worse, it may be taken at a time when most notary offices are closed for the night.

The problem is serious but not insurmountable: supply, as we know, generates demand. Before long all-night notary offices will appear in every neighbourhood, with the officials also licensed to dispense condoms and offer advice on various ballistic and contraceptive possibilities inherent in assorted sexual variants.

As to the form itself, I’ll leave it to our Lord Chief Justice to compile. By way of suggestion, however, the document must be exhaustive to the point of being exhausting. Nothing ought to be left to chance.

Definitely specified before each erotic encounter must be a) position(s); b) duration; c) orifice(s) utilised; d) method of contraception; e) financial responsibility for any medical problem transmitted therein; f) any extras, e.g. S & M, B & D, other; g) presence and/or number of observers and/or other participants; h) use of any audio and/or video recording equipment; j) any resulting contractual obligations, e.g. the man does the dishes and/or mows the lawn tomorrow, in case of separate residences conveys the woman home in a taxi, sends flowers and/or chocolates the next day – well, I’m not a High Court judge, and only such a qualified person could be relied upon to draft a vitally important document like this to provide for every eventuality.

Whether our top jurists ought to busy themselves with such rank idiocy is of course a different matter. Yet in a way I sympathise with them. Like any other functionaries they have to justify their keep by being seen to do something. Since about 80 percent of our new laws come courtesy of the EU, their Lordships have to find new areas in which they can apply their keen intellects.

For the same reason, our PM Dave finds time to attend book launches and offer rather imperious advice to the Football Association. I count on his support in this initiative, and I know Samantha will agree that it’s long overdue.

 

 

 

 


 
 

 

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.