Ever since Hugo Boss designed those cute SS uniforms, the Germans have been known for making fashion statements consonant with social and political trends.
That glorious tradition continues with a breakthrough accessory answering a growing demand: rape-proof knickers.
As all good advertising does, the ad for the new product first establishes a need for it: “Scarcely a day passes without headlines of sexual assaults”. That’s truth in advertising at its best.
Indeed, Germany’s generous commitment to multi-culti probity is reaping a rich harvest of rape. In one of those inexplicable vagaries of life, the blossoming of rape coincided with the arrival of Muslim masses yearning to be free, something the ad doesn’t mention.
For one thing, it goes without saying. For another, that’s just not something one can commit to paper without risking a charge of… well, choose your favourite ism.
One way or the other, a need exists, and the law of supply-demand has never been repealed. Hence the new product, a modern-day answer to the chastity belt.
Those poor, persecuted migrant children dragging a kicking and screaming woman into the bushes and pinning her to the ground are in for a nasty surprise. Having ripped off the victim’s outer clothing, they’ll be stopped by an impenetrable barrier.
The rape-proof knickers come equipped with a combination lock and a 130-decibel alarm automatically set off by any tampering. And the fabric of the knickers is so sturdy that it’s almost impossible to cut or rip through.
Rather unsporting, if you ask me – those poor sex-starved people don’t stand much of a chance of claiming their fundamental human right. Or do they?
Though lacking any hands-on experience on either side of rape, I still have to doubt the efficacy of the new product on general principle. One such principle is that rape has nothing to do with sex.
Or perhaps ‘principle’ is the wrong word – ‘mantra’ is more appropriate. Feminists have always maintained that rape is a crime of violence, not sex.
Admittedly, an Austrian court recently punched a hole in that conviction by passing a lenient verdict on a migrant Muslim who had raped a 10-year-old boy. The asylum seeker claimed, and the court accepted, that he had had no sex for four months and was therefore deprived of his human rights. And the boy was a willing participant anyway.
But principles die hard, and, as a lifelong champion of progressive causes, I have to insist that sex without permission is simply an outlet for violent misogyny. That poses a serious problem for the new product.
If the assailants seek nothing but such an outlet, won’t they be frustrated if denied their first choice? Surely they’d then take their frustration out on the victim in some other ways?
Of course, and this is another popular mantra, rape is the worst thing that can possibly happen to a woman, worse than losing an eye, worse than any number of broken bones, worse than maiming – worse even than death.
Any of those things may well happen when the assailants can’t find a way through. I mean, people have been known to commit extreme violence in defence of their rights.
But even if they insist on the sex element, surely this barrier can be bypassed even if it can’t be penetrated. Holding a knife to the victim’s throat and asking her to provide the combination to the lock should do it, especially if in her heart of hearts she doesn’t really believe that rape is worse than death.
Then, and I don’t know how to put this without offending anyone’s sensibilities, there exist certain forms of rape that don’t necessarily violate the area so securely protected. These do require some cooperation on the victim’s part, but the same knife to the throat ought to do the trick.
For the time being the €100 fashion item is selling briskly, with on-line stores rapidly running out of stock. But I confidently predict that the new product won’t be able to satisfy the growing demand for long.
To begin with, as the aforementioned court case demonstrates, a line extension into the men’s market must be on the cards. But that’s only a start.
More inventive measures will be required, such as, for example, imbedding rashers of bacon into undergarments. I’ll leave the possibilities for the Germans to consider; they’re known for their creativity.
Personally, I’d be tempted to ponder the root causes of this upsurge in sexual violence – and do something about it. The Germans’ rich experience in deportation should come in handy, this time in a good cause.