Arise, Sir Joe

President Joe Biden narrowly missed this year’s Honours List, which is most unfortunate.

His impassioned if belated expression of the royalist sentiment would certainly have earned him at least a knighthood, possibly a peerage.

Alas, Joe’s declaration of loyalty to the Crown came a few days after the honours had been announced. Now he’ll have to wait until next year, and all Britons should hope he’ll still be around, not only in this life but also in the White House.

After all, there is a distinct possibility Joe is harbouring plans to reverse those two and a half centuries of republican nonsense in America and bring the country back into the fold. At least that’s how I understand his statement, and I’ll look askance, possibly out of the window, at any other interpretation.

Judge for yourself. The other day Joe delivered a speech on gun control to a Connecticut audience. But at the end, instead of the customary “God bless America”, that crypto-royalist shouted: “God save the Queen, man!”.

The significance of that rousing finale escaped most observers, especially those vermin who insist that Joe isn’t qualified to be president because he is suffering from an onset of senile dementia. How little do those naysayers understand!

Joe has been our man in Washington all along – under deep cover. To mask his true role, he has been known to make anti-British pronouncements and even hint at his sympathy for the IRA cause (and I don’t mean Individual Retirement Accounts).

But behind the scenes Joe has been doing all he can to prepare America for a triumphant return to the British realm. His economic policies, for example, have been designed to make Americans so desperate that they’d be happy to become British again. (They’d be in for a letdown, but that’s a separate story.)

Those senility hounds smirk at Joe’s mentioning the Queen, rather than the King who is currently the monarch. “Queen Elizabeth is dead,” they sneer with smug QED smiles.

True. But who said Joe meant Her late Majesty? It’s a distinct possibility he shares my conviction that Princess Anne is the royal best qualified to sit on the throne. It’s pure conjecture on my part, but Joe may well demand that Anne replace her brother as a precondition of America re-joining the Commonwealth, né the British Empire.

The president’s speech was replete with hidden messages that went right by most so-called experts. For example, why do you suppose Joe chose to conclude his oration against the Second Amendment with the words from the British national anthem?

Don’t know? Well, I can tell you. Joe doesn’t want to see a “well regulated militia” bristling with rifle barrels all over America. Such bands may well be driven by their misguided patriotism to resist Joe’s plans for a peaceful transition to the auspices of the Crown.

With his subtlety and unerring ear for nuance, Joe slyly pandered to such jingoistic grassroots by ending his statement of allegiance with an indigenously American usage “man”. That was an implicit promise to safeguard and foster the American national identity even within the framework of a different constitution.  

Far be it from me to suggest that Joe underestimates the complexity of the task facing him in this noble undertaking. He hinted at his stark realism a few days later, in Philadelphia.

“We’ve got a fight on our hands,” he told the union audience. “My question to you is simple: Are you with me?” “Yes!” roared the union members, who must have been briefed in advance on the kind of fight Joe had in mind.

Did I say knighthood? No, Joe deserves to become a hereditary peer of the realm, passing his title on to Hunter when he shuffles off this mortal coil (Shakespearean references are now apposite when talking about Joe Biden). And ‘Lord Biden’ sounds so much better than ‘Sir Joe’.

Alas, such an accolade is impossible within the existing – antediluvian! – honours system in Britain. The best foreign nationals can hope for is honorary knighthood, and so far only three US presidents have received it: Dwight Eisenhower, Ronald Reagan and George Bush (the elder).

However, if Joe is planning to alter the US Constitution so drastically, it’s only polite that we meet him halfway. Yes, nothing short of a hereditary peerage will do, along with the post of America’s Governor General or perhaps Viceroy.

Verily I say unto you, man, it’s Joe who knows exactly how to make America great again. His slogan should be MABA – and I’ll let you guess what the ‘B’ stands for.

3 thoughts on “Arise, Sir Joe”

  1. Joe has made a lot of mistakes like this. And has to be shown and led away from the rostrum in the right direction as if was a small child.

    President now and maybe for four years after that.

    I predict this Robert Kennedy Jr. will get the nomination for the Dems.

  2. That certainly is one interpretation. If the Empire were still in the state it was when we left, I would cheer our return. However, as you wrote, we might be in for a letdown.

    One other interpretation, as we pass the midway point of this month of pride, is that Joe said “God save all queens” in reference to the few, the proud, the same-sex-attracted.

    Still another interpretation is that Joe meant Queen Margrethe II of Denmark. With all that is rotten in the states of America, Joe might feel a special kinship with Denmark.

    If Joe’s fondness for the IRA was strong that day, it is possible he might have slurred his words just ever so slightly and was trying to say, “God save Sinn Fein!” or “God save (Michael) Collins!”

    The least likely, of course, is that Joe is a tad senile and incapable of producing any coherent sentences on his own.

  3. Uncle Joe (as we fellow-socialists affectionately call him) is obviously referring to the Queen of Sheba. “God save the Queen of Sheba!” he admirably exclaims, indicating that all the peoples of the Earth and their monarchs ought to lay all their treasures at the feet of the Leader of the Free World, so that he may use them to bribe some judges to let his son off.

    [Note that the words “of Sheba” were maliciously deleted from the recording of Our Uncle Ford Big Brother Joe’s speech by counter-revolutionary vermin.]

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