“As socialism develops, class war intensifies”

StalinThe originator of this deep insight used it as a justification for murdering millions and turning millions more into what he so robustly called ‘camp dust’.

HMG hasn’t quite graduated to such measures but, to borrow an aphorism from their other apparent inspiration Mao, “a journey of a thousand miles starts with a small step.”

The small step our Conservative (!) government is about to take is vetting applicants for government jobs to make sure they don’t come from the upper classes. Rather than fighting class war with bullets, torture and barbed wire, HMG has come up with a questionnaire designed to bar what the Bolsheviks called ‘socially alien elements’ from senior positions in the civil service.

Over 4,000 people already holding such posts will have to take the test first, to give HMG an accurate demographic picture of Whitehall. No indication has so far been given whether those testing at above the common-as-muck level will be summarily sacked, but that would be the logical inference. HMG did indicate they’d recommend that the same standards be applied to senior jobs in the private sector too.

Now I don’t hold a senior public job and nor do I intend to apply for one. However, supposing that I did, would I qualify? Here are their questions and my answers:

Did you spend time in care? No.

Have you ever held refugee or asylum status? Yes.

Were you a carer as a child? Occasionally.

What type of secondary school did you go to? The type where most boys carry knives and try to rape most girls.

What was the name of that school? Moscow Secondary School No 123.

Did your parent or guardian complete a degree? Yes.

What are your parents’ highest qualifications? MS and MA.

What was your postcode when you were 14? None.

Were you eligible for free school meals? No.

What was your parents’ occupation? Father, engineer; mother, librarian.

What kind of home did you live in – owner occupied or rented? Neither. Social housing, seven of us in one room, five other families sharing kitchen, bathroom and lavatory.

How would you assess your own socio-economic background? Indefinite.

Well, I don’t know. The schooling and residence answers are right up (or rather down) there, but some others are iffy. Touch and go, I dare say.

However, I don’t think the questionnaire probes deeply enough. Hence I’d like to offer 20 additional questions of my own, to wit:

1) Does your Mum ever charge for sex? 2) If yes, how much? 3) How many tattoos, if any, does she have? 4) Were your parents a) married? b) shacked up, c) so pissed they didn’t know how they ended up shagging? 5) Actually, do you know who your Dad was? 6) Does your Mum? 7) How many criminal convictions and/or ASBOs do your Mum and Dad (if known) have? 8) Do your Mum and Dad (if known) drink more than 15 units of alcohol a day? 9) Do they do drugs? 10) How many cigarettes do they smoke a day? 11) Do your Mum and Dad (if known) move their lips when reading? 12) Can they read at all? 13) How many books, if any, do you have at your place? 14) Do your Mum and Dad buy lottery tickets? 15) What did you call your main meal a) dinner, b) lunch, c) tea, d) nonexistent? 16) What kind of car, if any, did your family have a) owned, b) leased, c) stolen? 17) Are you a) male, b) female, c) other? 18) Are you a) white, b) black, c) other, d) Don’t have a clue, mate? 19) Are you a) Christian, b) Jewish, c) Muslim, d) other, e) You f***ing what, mate? 20) Are you a) straight, b) gay, c) other, d) bit of everything?

Correct answers: 1) yes, 2) a fiver or 10 Bensons, 3) too many to count, 4) b or c, 5) no, 6) no or the bitch won’t tell, 7) who’s counting?, 8) yes, 9) yes, 10) as many as they could nick, 11) yes, 12) not really, 13) none, 14) every week, 15) c or d, 16) c or none, 17) a, b or c, 18) b, c or d, 19) b, c, d or e, 20) b, c or d)

This questionnaire may be expanded or condensed, but in either case those providing correct answers must be hired on the spot – regardless of any other qualifications. This will guarantee we’ll have the best possible standards in our civil service or, in any case, the kind of civil service we deserve.

Actually, there are a few serious questions I’d like to ask. Do our governing spivs think the civil service is the right battlefield for class war? Do they think those giving the right answers to their real or my imaginary questions will be better qualified than those giving wrong answers? Do they realise, or indeed care, that they’re destroying the last vestiges of sanity in government?

Above all, do they realise they are but a small step removed from the kind of thinking that animated Messrs Lenin, Stalin, Mao and Pol Pot?





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