Everyone who knows him as intimately as I do is aware that my friend Donald Trump is a man of exquisite style, vast erudition and unimpeachable [sic] integrity.
In fact, I advised him during the 2016 campaign to tone down his boundless vocabulary for tactical reasons, and certainly to refrain from using foreign, especially Latin, phrases. The odd grammatical solecism, alien as it was to his refined locution, would also go down well with his core electorate, I suggested.
“But Al,” objected Donald, “Caesar non supra grammaticos, meaning a president shouldn’t sound like a square from Delaware.” Thankfully, however, Donald eventually followed my advice and adjusted his speech patterns accordingly.
So much more appalled was I to find out that Donald fell victim to calumny perpetrated by his disgruntled former employee, John Bolton. That scumbag, to use Donald’s favourite word, maligned the president, describing him as a self-centred ignoramus.
Sensing that Donald was in need of solace, I immediately rang him on the burner mobile he had given me on my birthday. It was only during our conversation that I realised how perfidious Bolton is, and how unfounded his allegations.
“The plebs are all over me,” complained Donald. “They say ex nihilo nihil fit, there’s no smoke without fire.”
“Yes, Don,” I commiserated. “How dare he claim you thought Finland was part of Russia!”
“That scumbag is lying ab ova usque ad mala,” said Don. “He twists every word I actually said.”
“As I recollect, we were discussing Finland, a Nato member whose sovereignty is inviolable in accordance with Article 5 of the Nato Charter, and whose close proximity to Russia puts it in a precarious position. The Russians treat it as if it still were the Suomen suuriruhtinaskunta, the Grand Duchy of the Russian Empire. And now that scumbag claims I said Finland still was part of Russia.”
“He also claims you said invading Venezuela would be cool…”
“I’m getting a distinct sense of déjà vu,” sighed Donald. “All I said was Venezuela delenda est, meaning my moral position on that country’s heinous dictatorship is intractable. Hier stehe, ich kann nicht anders, and I don’t even have to subsist on a diet of worms.”
Seeing that his pun went right by me, Donald added with a wry smile: “I’m as capable of a lapsus manus as the next man. You know, homo sum humani a me nihil alienum puto, even though I’m no homo.
“But that scheming scumbag pretends not to realise that subtle changes in inflection can act effectively as a prosodic, extra-lexical means of communication.
“For example, he says I didn’t know Britain possessed nuclear weapons. What fabulae! You know what really happened?
“That old broad, senex mulier, Theresa said Britain was a nuclear power. I guffawed in my supercilious manner and said, I didn’t realise Britain was a nuclear power. Meaning it takes more than a couple of peashooters to qualify as a power.
“Cogitesne? Get it? I know perfectly well that Britain possesses a nuclear deterrent. I just questioned her being a goddamn power.
“Then I talk to that scumbag Xi, saying ‘Can’t offer you any circenses, Xi, other than my speeches, but US farmers can flood you with panem and especially soya, whatever the hell that is in Latin.’
“All I wanted to do was to help out our farmers who overproduce like lepores, and Chinamen, come to that. When I don’t negotiate on their behalf, scumbags like Bolton call me insensitive. When I do, they call me self-serving. Auribus teneo lupum – damned if you do, damned if you don’t.”
The rest of our conversation was emotional and strictly confidential. At the end I told my friend not to be excessively worried about the upcoming election.
There’s more to Donald Trump than just the presidency. Worst comes to worse, he can always become a professor of classics at an Ivy League university.