Get a PhD in sexual consent

RapeOxford and Cambridge now put on compulsory consent classes designed to combat ‘the rape culture’. It’s good to see that traditional Western culture isn’t the only one these venerable universities now teach how to combat.

Both institutions explain the urgent need for such education with the elegance and verve one has grown to expect from our elite universities.

Thus Oxford: the classes promote “a decision-making framework which equips men to deal with complex gender situations and become agents of positive change within their universities, sports teams, social circles and broader communities.”

Cambridge won’t be outdone: “The purpose is to bust myths about sexual violence, encouraging students to openly discuss sexual consent, signpost them to relevant organisations and individuals and to reinforce the importance of bodily autonomy.” As discrete from anatomy, take note.

All that remains is for sexual consent to gain a full academic status, complete with advanced degrees awarded upon completion.

Being shamefully ignorant of the current curriculum, I can only guess what it might be. However, on the basis of my vast experience in both consent and especially the lack thereof, I may be able to offer a few pointers on the possible areas to explore. For example:

“You’re nicked, sunshine” isn’t what you want to hear after a night of love.

No means no; it certainly doesn’t mean yes please.

No may sometimes not mean no, but Help!!! always does.

Yes doesn’t mean yes either, unless accompanied by a signed and duly certified release form.

“Okay, I’ll do it but please don’t kill me” may sound like consent, but actually isn’t.

The double Nelson isn’t an acceptable sexual variant.

Neither is cold-cock.

Strangulation holds belong in martial, not amorous, arts.

So do strikes with elbows, open palms and fists.

“Please, not on the face” refers to punches only, and what did you think?

Assume that a girl who threatens to call the cops isn’t just playing hard to get.

“I’ll cut you up, bitch,” isn’t a recommended chat-up line.

Sometimes it’s hard to tell passionate gasps from cries for help, but you must learn how to do so.

If it’s necessary to gag a girl, assume that no consent has been given.

A girl who continues to weep throughout the act may or may not have consented – learn how to tell the difference.

If you need a classmate to hold the girl down, assume she probably hasn’t consented.

If it takes more than one classmate, she definitely hasn’t.

If a girl is above the drink-driving limit (80 milligrammes of alcohol per 100 millilitres of blood, 35 microgrammes per 100 millilitres of breath or 107 milligrammes per 100 millilitres of urine), nothing she says or does must be construed as consent.

Always have a breathalyser and a urinalysis kit within reach when planning to indulge in sexual activity.

Since all men are potential rapists and all women are potential victims, make sure you don’t turn potentiality into reality.

Rape is anything the woman says it is.

Since sex even in a loving relationship is crypto-rape, the burden of proof that it isn’t is on you.

Questioning the validity of this academic discipline ipso facto brands you as a rapist, making you liable to criminal prosecution.

Please note that these rubrics are only brief outlines of the possible areas of scholarly inquiry, not their exhaustive summation. Each rubric opens up new horizons for which any inquisitive mind must reach to equip itself for survival in the intellectual and sensual rough-and-tumble of life – and also to avoid doing hard time in the company of other rapists.

The academic discipline of consent closely interacts with adjacent subjects, such as political science. The overlap is almost complete, since in politics ‘consent of the governed’ increasingly gets to mean ‘consent of the screwed’.

I presumptuously took it upon myself to offer suggestions on possible areas to explore. However, in writing this I’ve realised how far I myself still have to go to fulfil the Oxbridge academic requirements.

One wonders if they’ll let me enrol in consent classes as a mature student. It’s never too late to learn.












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