Cambridge-educated Labour MP Keith Vaz doesn’t express himself in the Ali G idiom. But he’d be entitled to ask this question, if with better grammar.
True enough, all those doubting Thomases who refuse to believe Mr Vaz’s simple explanation of that 2016 incident have to be racists.
Why else wouldn’t they accept his perfectly believable version of the event? But judge for yourself.
Somebody spiked Mr Vaz’s drink in a pub at around 11 pm. Can happen to any 60-year-old man, can’t it? Of course it can.
I don’t know what the drug was, but it did have a peculiar effect. Having sipped his drink, Mr Vaz approached two male prostitutes, introduced himself as a washing machine salesman named Jim and invited them to his flat in North London.
Except that he didn’t know they were rent boys. Mr Vaz thought they were interior decorators, which is an easy mistake to make.
Hence they went to his flat to discuss the colour schemes for a possible redecoration project. Nothing odd about that: midnight on a Saturday is my favourite time for such appointments, as I’m sure it’s yours as well.
Mr Vaz then offered to buy cocaine for the two decorators, although, as he explains, not for himself. Such selfless hospitality is to be expected from our MPs in general and Mr Vaz in particular.
He’s ever ready to offer disinterested help to any good cause, as he did in 1989. Although a Catholic, he led a march of several thousand Muslims in Leicester calling for Salman Rushdie’s book The Satanic Verses to be banned.
Mr Vaz described the march as “one of the great days in the history of Islam and Great Britain”, while desisting from adding that the day would have been even greater had the marchers been able to execute the fatwa declared on Mr Rushdie.
Such ecumenical selflessness does credit to Mr Vaz’s commitment to multiculturalism, than which no greater cause exists. I for one applaud his courage.
Which he also displayed by welcoming his midnight decorators at a considerable risk to himself. After all, cocaine is a Class A drug, which, contrary to what Ali G believed, isn’t a guarantee of quality. It’s more of a guarantee of criminal prosecution, entailing up to seven years in prison for possession and up to life for supplying.
But no risk is too great when one wishes to be kind to interior decorators. Anyway, at that point the spiked drink kicked in, and Mr Vaz suffered an onset of amnesia.
You may doubt that a spiked drink can induce such an effect, but I assure you it’s quite common. Therefore Mr Vaz doesn’t remember then having unprotected sex with the two decorators, as they claim he did.
So it’s his word against theirs, and whom would you rather believe, two prost… I mean decorators or the honourable gentleman who has represented Leicester North since 1987? I rest my case.
Alas, Mr Vaz’s colleagues in parliament didn’t. When the story of his redecoration project first hit the headlines, he was made to apologise to poor Mrs Vaz (for what, wanting his flat to look nice?) and quit as head of the Home Affairs committee.
However, the parliamentarians then got ashamed of their incredulity and a month later appointed Mr Vaz to the Justice Select Committee. They must have surmised – correctly, I hasten to add – that his ordeal gave him unique insights into matters legal.
The police, who as we know are institutionally racist, took a different view. Proceeding at a slow speed characteristic of natural (and police) forces, the other day they reached the outrageous conclusion that Mr Vaz’s version of the event was less than truthful.
As a result, parliament’s sleaze watchdog declared that Mr Vaz had shown “disrespect for the House’s standards system” and caused “significant damage” to the reputation and integrity of the Commons.
Over the past few months I’ve been doubting that the integrity of the Commons could be damaged any further, but evidently it can. Anyway, the watchdog recommended Mr Vaz be suspended for six months, which would be the longest such suspension ever.
And, if approved, the suspension may lead to Mr Vaz’s losing his seat altogether. The news hit the poor man with a mighty bang, and as a result he has been admitted to hospital.
I hope you’ll join me in wishing Mr Vaz a speedy recovery and prompt return to his parliamentary duties. I for one sympathise with the anguish he has had to suffer at the hands of those racist MPs. Come back soon, Keith – at our parliament you fit right in.