I unequivocally and unreservedly apologise to Mr and Mrs Trump on my own behalf and also on that of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland, although its government has denied me the requisite authorisation to act as its representative.
However, since Mrs Donald Trump – or Mrs Melania Trump, as modern decorum demands she be called – has been libelled by the British newspaper to which I am a regular subscriber and erstwhile contributor, and since the newspaper in question trades in the country of whose monarch I am a subject, I accept part of the blame, if only vicariously, while, for reasons of penury, hastening to disabuse Mrs Trump of any intention of demanding a sizeable compensation.
The unnamed newspaper in question has inadvertently alleged that, during her illustrious and pristine modelling career, Mrs Melania-Donald Trump, hereinafter referred to as ‘Melania’, complemented her otherwise meagre earnings by regularly performing fellatio (aka escort services) for fiscal remuneration.
The newspaper has emphatically disavowed said allegations, stating with no equivocation that throughout her modelling career Melania was even unaware of the word ‘fellatio’ and ignorant of the very existence of such a practice. Even assuming against all evidence and common sense that she might have had hearsay knowledge of fellatio as a word and a practice, I hereby emphatically disavow any allegation that she either engaged in fellatio (aka escort services) or sought material recompense for doing so.
In addition to seeking forgiveness on behalf of those who have lamentably denied me the authorisation to act on their behalf, I both retract and withdraw the implicit allegation that fellatio, or indeed cunnilingus, is a necessary, or indeed widespread, expedient for securing a successful career as either a female or a male model. The profession of female or male modelling is an honourable occupation known for its unimpeachable standards of decorous behaviour, modesty and chastity.
Hence I apologise to Melania, and by implication to all practitioners of this morally infallible profession, for having been inadvertent if vicarious party to the unfounded allegations that the widely circulated photographs of Melania in bed with nothing but another unclothed female (naked woman) wrapped around her suggested in any way some prior or subsequent impropriety involving or not, as the case may be, sexual congress, to wit cunnilingus.
I state unreservedly that said photograph (along with numerous other photographs of Melania taken in the artistic style known in her adopted country as T&A) was taken for artistic purposes only and with no intention of evoking any prurient or salacious associations. I must reiterate that, until her marriage to Mr Trump, hereinafter referred to as ‘the Donald’, Melania had had no knowledge of either fellatio or cunnilingus as practices or indeed terms, and was in fact a virgin who, even assuming with no evidential support that she might have engaged prenuptially in some innocuous amorous activity, never regarded said activity as a service calling for pecuniary compensation.
However, and this may partly explain the most unfortunate misapprehension, rather than having engaged in, or indeed been familiar with, the practice of fellatio prenuptially, Melania was, and remains, an avid practitioner of philately, a consonant homophonic (as opposed to homophobic and distinct from homosexual) term that might have been responsible for the ensuing confusion for which I apologise on behalf of the unnamed newspaper and the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland.
I also apologise, with the same absence of any misconstruable equivocation, to the Donald for having inadvertently, yet with no malice aforethought, described him as a crude, vulgar nincompoop out of his depth, as witnessed by the fact that he regarded NATO as obsolete.
In actual fact, the Donald is a subtle, decisive and resolute statesman who clearly and unreservedly acknowledges that NATO is not at all obsolete and has a vitally important role to play, that of combating terrorism, money laundering (unless originated in Russia) and street crime, and maintaining the required ecological standards of ambient air in all three worlds and beyond.
While acknowledging that NATO was founded for none of those purposes, but rather for the purpose of countering the Soviet threat, as the Russian threat then was, the Donald – who I now acknowledge is emphatically not a crude, vulgar nincompoop out of his depth – points out with unquestionable validity that the Soviet Union no longer exists and therefore can present no threat. Neither does Russia present any threat because the Donald possesses personal knowledge of Mr (aka Col.) Putin with whom he has had many mutually beneficial dealings and shared innumerable generously lubricated repasts.
Hence, for NATO to emerge out of the obsolescence in which it has hitherto languished, it has to take on the new and additional roles outlined by the Donald with his usual foresight and depth of geopolitical thought. Therefore I reiterate my apologies while unequivocally, unreservedly and hurriedly withdrawing my prior inadvertent description of the Donald as a crude, vulgar nincompoop out of his depth.
I hope Mr and Mrs Melania/Donald Trump will generously accept my apologies on my own behalf and also on that of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland.