Now our family policy is sorted, let’s talk the foreign variety

I thought I’d never find a good thing to say about Dave, but I was wrong.

Snapshots from his third holiday this year clearly show that Dave doesn’t wear socks with sandals, which betokens an impeccable sense of style.

So there, I’ve said something nice about Dave. And I’m not finished yet.

You see, Dave can make vital policy decisions even while chillaxing, which is how he describes taking a break.

The other day he appointed an openly and proudly homosexual minister, Nick Bole, to spearhead Britain’s family policy.

This shows that, in addition to possessing refined taste, Dave is a man of consistency. After all, his whole family policy up to now has revolved around the axis of homosexual marriage.

So it stands to reason that the chap now in charge of it lives in a civil partnership with another man. Who can better understand the nuances of the only kind of family Dave holds sacred?

When you want a man to shape HMG’s stand on law, you appoint a lawyer. When you want someone to formulate health policy, you appoint a doctor. If you need an expert to work out a military strategy, you appoint a gener…

No, scratch that. As Georges Clemenceau once said, war is too important a matter to be left to the generals. It should be left to politicians instead. Like Dave.

A year ago Dave made a wholehearted effort to commit the British army to the cause of the inchoate Islamic state in Syria. Had Parliament not proved obstreperous, the IS would now be happily beheading people all over the Middle East, not merely in northern Iraq.

Yet the situation is pretty dire as it is, if one listens to General Sir Michael Rose, as one should.

In 2006 Sir Michael called for the impeachment of Tony Blair for having dragged Britain into the criminal invasion of Iraq on false pretences – an invasion that Sir Michael had opposed.

Now he correctly states that the rise of the IS is so catastrophic that we no longer have the option of staying on the sidelines. Just as correctly he fears that yet again we’ll go in without a clearly defined strategic objective or, which is worse, with a stupid one.

The Islamic State must be stopped in its tracks and wiped out – Gen. Rose is right about that. He’s also right in saying that a military victory won’t solve the ultimate problem any more than the destruction of the Iraqi army solved it in 2003.

We must have a clear idea of what comes next, and here I’m afraid the general goes wrong. He thinks the Iraqi people deserve the right to decide their future for themselves.

But the Iraqis had a fair go at it already, as did the Muslims in Egypt and Libya. They all had their democratic elections. That’s the ultimate exercise in political virtue, if you listen to the neocons, which you shouldn’t.

For we know what happened next. All three countries sank into a blood-drenched chaos – which anyone with a modicum of political nous and an IQ close to three digits could have predicted with absolute certainty.

Sir Michael, Dave, Tony, Ed, Barack Hussein and whoever else is willing to listen: democracy doesn’t and never will work in the Islamic world.

Did you get that? Allow me to repeat for the slow of mind or hard of hearing: DEMOCRACY. DOESN’T. AND NEVER WILL. WORK. IN. THE ISLAMIC WORLD. Did you get that?

What works in the Middle East, at least to our satisfaction, is a corrupt and further corruptible dictatorship. The kind that rules with an iron hand and a more or less secular mind.

Shah Reza Pahlavi springs to mind. Also Mubarak. Assad. Gaddafi. And, specifically in Iraq, Saddam. You know, the type of rulers we’ve done our utmost to unseat and replace with the kind of savages who eat human organs and behead Western journalists on camera.

All those men were (Assad still is) variously bloodthirsty tyrants. However, none of them was a direct threat to our interests, which is all that should matter.

Hence our strategy in Iraq shouldn’t be aimed at ‘letting the people decide’. Been there, done that. Five gets you ten they’ll decide wrong.

Instead, having wiped out the IS, as we must, we should find a chap who typologically fits into the mould of the tyrants I’ve mentioned above.

We should put him in power and prop him up for as long as it takes for him to tighten his grip on the country. A right kind of bastard won’t take very long.

Then we should grease his palm with large sums paid into his favourite Swiss or Channel Islands charity – and keep it greased for as long as he remains the right kind of bastard.

In other words, we must admit that our policy in the Middle East over the last decade has been criminally stupid and, which is worse, a failure. Having uttered a suitable number of mea culpas, we should then correct our mistakes by doing what’s right.

Having said so many good things about Dave, one thing I can’t say is that he’s the kind of statesman who can do what’s right. What he can do is more of the same.

Appoint a proud homosexual to run our family policy, already compromised by his fanatical commitment to homomarriage. Waste billions on foreign aid. Play lickspittle to the EU. Let millions of potential or actual criminals into the country. Continue to support an education that doesn’t educate and healthcare that doesn’t care.

And spill the blood of our soldiers in yet another asinine adventure aimed at ‘letting people decide’ in the Middle East.

Still, to end on a positive note, there’s one more good thing one can say for Dave. Incredible as it may sound, the other lot are probably even worse.


P.S. My new book, Democracy as a Neocon Trick, is coming out this autumn. You can pre-order from the publisher on

















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