Poor Angela Merkel, life’s hard for her

Germany’s economy contracting. France’s stagnating. Italy’s going into a triple dip, just like that Engländer Dave on his third seaside holiday.

As to the other 15 countries in the eurozone, their economies are a sheer Alptraum, or nightmare, as those sneering Anglo-Saxons call it.

They are so-o-o-o superior in their Schadenfreude, what with even the British economy growing fast, never mind those across the Ozean.

Free trade, liberated labour markets, less red tape, lower taxation, my arsch! We allow those perversions in Europe, thinks Angie, and there goes the dream of a Fourth Reich, right down the Rohren. The Anglo-Saxons can take their much vaunted economic model and shove it where die Sonne doesn’t shine.

What’s a frau to do? Leben is bloody schwer, says Angie, though revolving in her mind is the saying first made popular exactly 100 years ago: Gott strafe England!

Life’s indeed hard. Angela has to look after 18 countries using the Deutschmark, or the euro, as it’s colloquially called.

If they all did exactly as they are told, alles would be in Ordnung. But they all insist on keeping their national parliaments and, what’s worse, occasionally listening to them.

And those bodies constantly sneak in measures that they seem to think are good for their own countries, not infuriatingly Angela’s. You try to manage the Deutschmark, (fine, the euro if you insist) under such circumstances. Ingrates, the whole bunch of them. After all that Deutschland has done to them… no, she means for them.

And guess whom all those Nobel economists are blaming for the mess? Her, Angie.

She shouldn’t have bunged austerity down the throats of all those profligate nations, they say. She should have avoided contraction, preempted the possibility of deflation, injected more stimulus into their economies.

Angie translates to make sure she understands, looks the phrase up in the dictionary. Right, just as she thought. That means Germany should have given those untermenschen even more money, on top of the billions she has already squandered on them.

But money doesn’t grow on Baumen. It rolls off printing presses and, when they go into high gear, hyperinflation ensues.

Angie is a German and, though she wasn’t alive at the time, the Weimar hyperinflation has scarred her brain as well.

She turns on her Siemens DVD player and watches, for the umpteenth time, women who look like her but thinner wheeling Schubkarren heaped with banknotes barely sufficient to buy a loaf of Brot. Bloody Alptraum!

No German führer, or Chancellor as that position is colloquially called, will allow a repeat performance. Those untermenschen can starve, for all Angie cares. She’ll take 25 per cent unemployment over 25 per cent inflation any bloody Tag. Or 50 per cent youth unemployment over 50 per cent inflation. Or 100 per cent… well, you get the picture.

Yes, scream those overpaid Nobel laureates. But have you considered the social aftermath? Whole generations of young people taken out of economic life, with all the knock-on effect that’s going to have for decades to come? Japan’s ‘lost decade’ will look like a walk im die Park by comparison.

Shows how little those Dummkopfen understand. A country where half the young people are unemployed is a defeated country, nicht wahr? And, as recent history shows, a defeated country becomes a German protectorate, a gau ruled by a gauleiter appointed by the Reich, or the EU as it’s colloquially called.

Once they are all brought into the fold and their bloody-minded parliaments disbanded, then Angie will be able to bring Ordnung to their economies. Until then all those self-righteous economists can go suck an Ei.

As to the Anglo-Saxons, she’ll follow their example when pigs will fly. And Schweinen, as she has told Dave so many times, don’t fly.

And guess what? The same windbag economists insist that half those countries using the Deutschmark, or the euro as it’s colloquially called, would be better off reverting to their national currencies.

Ja, ja, ja, so who gives a Scheiße? They may be better off, but Germany wouldn’t be, and that’s all that matters to Angie. Deutschland über alles, as her parents used to say.


P.S. My new, serious, book Democracy as a Neocon Trick is coming out this autumn. You can pre-order from the publisher on roperpenberthy.co.uk.

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