See what net zero does?

We’ve seen it happen. A fat woman decides enough’s enough. She starts a punishing regimen of diet and exercise, shedding first ounces, then pounds, then stones.

Within a year or so she becomes quite svelte, but she can’t stop. And what do you know, a few months later she develops anorexia and dies, or damn near.

Or look at Bruce Lee. The poor chap learned that hydration is an essential part of conditioning. So he started drinking gallons of water – and died of overhydration. And unlike a real man who dies of drinking too much booze, Lee didn’t even enjoy drinking too much water. Give me C2H5OH over H2O any day.

By the circuitous route of such analogies, I’ve managed both to identify the reason for the deadly cold spell paralysing North America and to come up with the solution before frost does the same to us.

Deadly is the right word to describe it. At least 34 people have died so far, killed by blizzards, power cuts, road accidents, river ice giving way, tree branches falling down and so on.

Millions of people are left without electricity, thousands of flights are cancelled every day. Shops can’t sell off all the carloads of useless trinkets they’ve stocked up for the season, lorries can’t deliver goods, the economy is taking a huge hit.

This is the coldest spell for decades, some meteorologists say ever. And you know what’s to blame? Global warming, or rather overreaction to it.

Like that fat woman eating too little food and Bruce Lee drinking too much water, Americans have overdone their commitment to net zero carbon emissions, that’s what I think. Instead of happily driving those house-sized 8-cylinder boats powered by real juice down the I-10, they’ve switched to Teslas and are now freezing to death. Thanks a whole lot, Elon bloody Musk.

It’s not just those murderous Teslas either. Wind farms, solar panels, all other forms of green energy have conspired to eliminate carbon out of the atmosphere or at least to get it down to a level that would make Greta happy.

As a direct result, the greenhouse effect has been replaced with the icehouse defect. About 60 per cent of the US population are facing weather warnings. They are shivering in the dark, shining their phone lights at thermometers and watching the mercury speeding downwards.

Instead of being fried by global warming, ‘our planet’ is about to turn into an icebound wasteland, and Newton’s Third Law explains why: For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction. (I often cite this law because it’s the only one I remember from secondary school. I drank my way through it, and it wasn’t too much water – I’m not suicidal.)

The action was the ill-advised assault on atmospheric carbon. The reaction is the snowy hell into which America has plunged.

You may think that my analysis of the situation lacks forensic rigour and relies too much on conjecture. Perhaps. After all, I’m neither a meteorologist nor a climatologist. But, as an old ad once said, “Noah’s Ark was designed by an amateur. The Titanic was designed by a professional.”

Perhaps an amateur unbiased by any excessive knowledge or indeed corporate solidarity can detect some obvious truths that escape professionals. Remember it was accredited doctors who told our hypothetical woman to eat less food and advised the very real Bruce Lee to drink more water.

If you are willing to accept my diagnostic hypothesis, the solution to the problem offers itself. Americans – and Europeans! – should turn every Tesla, Prius, wind turbine and solar panel into a bonfire.

In the immediate term, this will provide much needed warmth and light for the stricken areas. In the long run, this measure will ensure a steady supply of carbon dioxide to keep us all warm throughout the year.

As a side benefit, the aesthete in me would love to toss Greta Thunberg into one of the pyres, but the humanist in me balks at such cruelty. So I’ll settle for a version of the Jeremy Clarkson treatment: marching Greta naked through the streets of Buffalo, with people tossing snowballs at her.

On a serious note (something I find hard to strike on the crest of the festive wave of booze), perhaps we should accept that the weather is sometimes warm, sometimes cold and always out of our control.

So let’s stop playing silly games that are certain to beggar us all – even if they aren’t directly responsible for freezing us to death.

5 thoughts on “See what net zero does?”

  1. Today’s post reminds me of an extraordinary T.V. series broadcast by the BBC in 1985- ‘Edge of Darkness’ (A film adaptation was released in 2010) it’s a story about a police detective investigating the suspicious death of his daughter. It is also extremely anti-Thatcher, anti-Reagan, anti-NATO, and anti-nuclear fission. Whilst at the same time disseminating a truckload of mystical bilge about the environment. I could not name a more unmistakable example of ‘active measures’

    It is precisely this sort of content that has caused Westerners to adopt the sort of self-defeating foolishness currently afflicting the United States.

    1. Isaac, is it that the population has adoted this self-defeating foolishness (“I’m a good person, I care for the planet”). Or has there been a very long and successful propaganda agenda? Compare a Geography school text from 1960 to any past 1980 and it’s obvious that globally a decision was made to reset minds to go green, ditch cars, ride bikes, hate nuclear, coal, plastic…

  2. All good fun, except the opening lines regarding an overweight woman losing weight on the advice of a medical professional. That is fat shaming and it is a crime – or will be soon. Fat people are now supposed to be comfortable in their bodies, even when it adversely affects their health. I have heard of overweight celebrities being excoriated on social media for posting pictures of themselves after losing weight. Idiocy. Of course, given the double standard that you touched on a couple of days ago, it is still ok to make fun of skinny people.

    Here in southern California we have what are being reported as “record” highs. I think the historical records have been destroyed, so the media just declare it a record whenever they need to boost ratings. I hear it is snowing in Buffalo, New York for the first time ever. Excuse me now while I go dig a hole in the sand to bury my head.

  3. “And you know what’s to blame? Global warming, or rather overreaction to it.”

    That has been the case ever since the year 2005 and Hurricane Katrina in New Orleans everybody is now reacting especially in the media to any abnormal weather condition which in reality probably is not abnormal. We had cold temperatures here where I live but not a whole lot of snow. It is winter time after all. North America is famous for having rather severe winters.

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