Sexy news of the week

Dave tried to move Angie closer and turn her around. “Assume a more flexible position, Liebchen,” he said.

Nein,” gasped Angie, “nein, bitte, nein…”

“Nine?” thundered Dave. “Eight-fifty and not a million more!” He spun around and left.

Or, to be more exact, he left and George spun. Angie agreeing to an EU surcharge of merely £850 million payable in two instalments next year, as opposed to the initially demanded £1.7 billion on the nail, said George, proves that she’s ready to bend over backwards to satisfy us.

However, upon closer examination it turned out that Angie’s position remained as unbending as ever. All she did was agree to apply to the payment demand the rebate we were due anyway.

That makes the whole thrust of Dave’s and George’s triumphant declaration as feeble as we suspected. They’re impotent in the face of an irresistible EU fronted by Angie.

Having failed at conducting any meaningful intercourse with Angie, HMG switched its attention to promoting sexual intercourse among consenting infants.

Children as young as nine, decreed our Department of Education, ought to be taught the whole gamut of exciting and acrobatic possibilities offered by both heterosexual and homosexual fornication or, in the absence of a partner, masturbation.

That way they’ll be ready to put theory into practice by the time they turn 13, exploring such wide-open avenues as “consenting oral and/or penetrative sex with others of the same or opposite gender who are of similar age and developmental ability.”

This would reflect “natural curiosity, experimentation, consensual activities and positive choices.” In the past children used to apply all such commendable impulses to playing with erector sets together, but now that’s deemed to be a wrong kind of erection.

I’m appalled. Here we have a government supposedly committed to equality and yet indulging in blatant ageist discrimination.

The whole timeframe must be moved several years back. Instead of imposing arbitrary age limits on healthy ‘consensual activities’, HMG should embark on a campaign under the provisional umbrella of ‘Eight Is Too Late”.

After all, in our enlightened and physically stimulating age, many boys, and more girls, are technically capable of ‘consenting oral and/or penetrative sex’ at the very age of nine at which, according to the discriminatory guidelines, they’re still supposed to be in the training stage only.

How much better would it be then to start such training when the tots are still in their prams. Their dummies could then be used as valuable teaching aids, augmented by their parents’ gently whispering obscenities in their ears.

By the time their age moves into double digits (no pun intended), boys will be fully ready to impregnate girls and exchange not the obsolete vows but utterly modern and upbeat STDs.

Neither eventuality is particularly off-putting, what with the instant availability of both antibiotics (or antiretroviral drugs if appropriate) and abortion.

Speaking of which, another news item has caught my eye. Drinking alcohol during pregnancy will soon subject women to criminal prosecution, as is already the case in some American states.

I must say I don’t get it. Here I was, thinking that a foetus has no legal rights because it’s dependent on the mother’s body and therefore constitutes but a part of it, like the appendix or, say, an ingrown toenail.

Hence a mother is perfectly justified to have the foetus scraped out of her womb bit by bit, which is a moral and legal equivalent of appendectomy. But God forbid she should harm the foetus by doing what these days comes so naturally to our women of child-bearing age: getting pissed.

The whole thing doesn’t seem to add up, but perhaps I’m missing a couple of intermediate logical steps. As it is, it sounds to me as if killing a human being is fine, but buying him a drink isn’t.

According to our laws, the foetus has no legal rights more or less throughout pregnancy, and some women get abortions in the third trimester, even though this isn’t recommended. Yet the very same foetus, once pregnancy tests establish the fact of conception, instantly acquires legal rights when the mother decides to keep it.

I’m confused, and fresh news about those Libyan soldiers confuse me even more. As their officers kindly enlightened us, some of those chaps had never seen a woman other than their mothers and sisters before being sent to Cambridgeshire for training.

That means they had led a rather cloistered existence, but I don’t know enough about life in Libya to prove or disprove the claim. However, the explanation still strikes me as wanting.

For example, I was roughly the same age as the Libyan warriors when I first saw an armadillo. Yet that visual jolt didn’t make me try to corrupt the morals of a sheep.

Similarly, I don’t understand why, shaken by the seismic exposure to a strange woman for the first time, some of those Libyans went on to rape a man, and some others tried to buy a few male British soldiers for sexual purposes.

To be fair, some of them did rape women too, which is a more logical, if no less objectionable, response to the visual shock. But then those Cambridgeshire lasses had been warned by the police not to go out ‘for their own safety’.

At first glance, staying under virtual house arrest for five months (the planned duration of the training programme, now cut short) would have been a hard thing to do for the local women and, come to think of it, men.

Such advice was probably also difficult to accept, for the locals must have been labouring under the misapprehension that their village was their home. This goes to show the government must step up its already impressive efforts to educate people about the delights of multiculturalism.

Well, at least they’re doing a superb job training prepubescent children to experience the joys of ‘consenting oral and/or penetrative sex’ – and the rest of us to accept economic chicanery at face value.


My new book, Democracy as a Neocon Trick, is available from Amazon and the more discerning bookshops. However, my publisher would rather you ordered it from, in the USA,


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