Tony, Nick, Vince and Dave – sit back and enjoy the show

Tony wants to be back, Vince wants to lead the LibDems, Dave wants to hang on and Nick wants to be a European Commissioner. And we, having realised we’ll never be governed, just want to be entertained.

Take Tony, for example. He clearly thinks he ought to be where the Milibandits are now, and the way back is paved with statesman-like appearances. A real statesman, unlike all those Milibandits, is above petty vanities. He’s man enough to admit he was wrong once or twice, a little dark lining on an otherwise silver cloud.

Keeping that in mind, yesterday Tony accepted a teensy-weensy part of the blame for the current state of the economy. That’s awfully big of him, considering that he inherited a healthy economy (one of the few times in history when that was the case) and then in a couple of short years managed to run it into the ground. Moreover, he did it in such a way that no subsequent government can possibly dig it back up.

So where did it go wrong, Tony? Well, you see, explained the come-back kid, we underestimated the extent to which the economy was global. Oh well, that’s all right then. An easy mistake to make. Back in 1997 it was easy to confuse Britain with Japan circa 1800. The country showed every sign of living in isolation from the world, running a totally self-sustained economy and describing anyone foreign as gaijin.

And then, shock, horror, who could’ve thunk, turns out the British economy is integrated with others. It’s like those dominoes – when one falls, they all do. A hurricane sweeps through the world, rendering every government helpless. It doesn’t really matter who’s in power or what policies he’s implementing. Force majeure happens. So it wasn’t really, like really, Tony’s fault. But hey, he’s a statesman, isn’t he? He’s not like those Milibandits who’ve usurped his crown. He happened to be in power at the time, he was the captain of the ship, and even if the ship was torpedoed by an enemy U-boat, the captain still has to be man enough to accept some of the blame.

‘In respect of the economy, yes, of course, everybody who was in power in the period bears a certain responsibility.’ There, Tony put it into a nutshell. Nobody does spivocracy as well as Tony, not even Dave, though he’s trying. It would be sheer ingratitude and churlishness if we didn’t return Tony to his old house at Number 10.

Meanwhile, Tony is beefing up his foreign-policy credentials, for a Number 10 spivocrat can’t live by economy alone. He has been a resounding success as a Middle East envoy for the ‘Big Four’: the UN, the US, the EU and Russia. How resounding a success? Just follow the news: Tony has been doing his best, just as he did domestically. It’s not his fault that yet another hurricane blew through his bailiwick – those Muslim ingrates insist on murdering one another, even though Tony told them not to. What’s a great statesman to do with that lot? Perhaps he’ll accept a particle of responsibility in a few years. Yes, that’s a good idea.

In the meantime, Tony is going to buck the trend of Labour staying out of power for a long time after losing it. ‘I think it is possible in these circumstances to re-write that traditional script,’ he said, adding ‘I know those people who are leading the Labour Party at the moment are desperate to do their best for the country.’ By inference, their best isn’t good enough. It’ll take Tony to get Labour back in power.

I do hope Ed is listening. If I were him, I’d start digging up some dirt on Tony before it’s too late. Perhaps some odd things Tony did at university, when he looked more like a girl than a boy. Or else something naughty Cherie might have done.

Like securing the Olympics for London. Remember, we were in competition with France, we lost and got the Games. Hold on, that’s not naughty at all. Tony says, proudly, ‘my wife played a really big part in this.’ That’s indeed something to be proud of: selling to a nation going bust the idea of wasting £2.5 billion on a tasteless and utterly corrupt extravaganza, knowing full well that the real price tag will be five times as much. This bears every hallmark of a grandiose Blairite project, Millennium Dome writ large. So the spouses did this together? What a family.

Nick hasn’t been idle either: he’s ready to form a coalition with Labour that’ll presumably be led into the next election by Tony (unless Ed has by then dug up enough dirt to bury him). Except that it won’t be Nick forming a coalition with Tony but rather Vince, the only man in history whose age is going in reverse. Born in 1943, Vince was too old to lead the LibDems in the 2010 election. He’ll be much younger in 2015, a sprightly youngster ready to fill the vacancy formed by Nick’s impending elevation to EU Commissioner. A smart career move, Nick: the money’s better, and responsibility is nonexistent.

Mind you, by that time Labour may well be in a position to win the election outright. Having achieved the improbable task of failing to beat cleanly the worst government in British history, Dave has set out to prove that worst can get worse. He’ll be a sitting duck by 2015, easy pickings for Tony.

Aren’t you proud to be governed by this lot? I know I am.   













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