Tories come cheaper wholesale (advertising feature)

Fancy a nice, cuddly Tory MP? Or a bloodhound ready to chase your detractors to the ends of the earth? A whole pack perhaps?

Come to the Tory Kennel in Westminster – we won’t let you down.

We have plenty to choose from: front bench, back bench, dogs, bitches, black, brown, white, all ages from puppy to pre-taxidermy, all looks from well fit (bitches) to shaggy (dogs) – you name it.

Lately we’ve had a large intake of particularly good-looking bitches, all perfectly groomed, able to walk on hind legs and… Well, what more do you need?

Every one of our MPs, dog or bitch, is paper-trained and also taught to obey simple commands: sit, stand, vote, bark, play dead and so forth.

Each has many previous owners and a pedigree of unwavering, if short-term, loyalty to every one.

Looking for a plump, juicy defence contract with bells on? Just shout ‘fetch’, and your new MP will deliver it to your doorstep in his mouth.

Want to hide billions in dubious cash somewhere in the City? Just toss the bone to your best friend and he’ll bury it for you, having first gnawed on it a little.

Need a guide dog to lead you to your local laundromat? We have the right bitch.

Or you may just fancy paying £160,000 for the privilege of playing a game of fuzzy yellow balls with our top dog – whatever your heart desires.

Prices are negotiable, varying from a large one-time donation to a lease-to-purchase plan involving smaller monthly contributions.

We also accept payment in kind, such as a Mediterranean cruise on a 300-foot yacht, the use of a castle in France, Italy or Spain, free flights on private jets. 

Our kennel has satisfied customers all over the world, from China to Saudi Arabia, from Columbia to Russia (references available upon request).

It’s our Russian customers, all hailing from the picturesque town of Putingrad, who have been particularly satisfied with our goods and services. That’s why they come back for repeat business time and again.

And, are you ready for this?

We’ve helped our loyal Putingrad clients to save themselves a lot of roubles by offering not single MPs retail but large portions of the whole kennel wholesale.

In addition to having first pick of the MPs they require, our wholesale customers join the ranks of Friends of the Tory Kennel. This entitles them to a prominent seat at our annual sales conference, where they can meet all our MPs and choose those who can best serve their needs.

Depending on the services you require, and the trouble with the law from which you wish to be protected, the down payment may vary from £90,000 to £400,000.

But you wouldn’t be paying this money – you’d be investing it in the kind of protection only our MPs can provide.

The initial outlay may look rather large, but not when you divide it by 305, the number of MP dogs and bitches we have on offer.

There are also tax advantages, for we can classify your investment as a charitable donation, or else as an operating expense. One way or the other, you save.

Suddenly, rather than having just one or two MPs to serve you, you have the whole kennel at your disposal, starting with our top dogs (and bitches) on the front benches.

But don’t take our word for it: hear what our happy customers from Putingrad have to say about our MPs and the services they provide.

Dmitri ‘the Hammer’, Putingrad banker:

“When I decided to move from Putingrad to Londongrad, I needed someone to guard my money from the pol…, well, I mean from those who wanted to get their teeth into it.

“And you know what? For a mere £450,000 in pocket change I became a Friend of the Tory Kennel. Now my money is secure, whatever is left of it after my boss in Putingrad gets his cut.”

Alexei ‘the Garrotte’, aluminium producer, also from Putingrad:

“My enemies from back home were after me, and I needed round-the-clock protection. Then my associate Dmitri ‘the Hammer’ told me of the great experience he had had with the Tory Kennel, so I decided to give it a go.

“At first I bought just a few MPs, at £10,000 each, and they did a good job. But then Dmitri told me not to be a putz. ‘Only a schmuck pays retail,’ he said, and it made sense to me.

“So for ‘a few bob more’, as my English mates put it, I got a great deal. I became a Friend of the Tory Kennel for just £100,000, the price of 10 MPs. For that I got the services of all 305 of them, and they’ll chase away any beast coming after me.”

Ivan ‘the Beast’, laudromat owner, formerly of Gorbachevka, then of Putingrad:

“I came to settle in Londongrad because my boss ‘Polonium’ wanted to ‘whack me in the shithouse’, as he put it. For just £65,000 I got a whole pack of guard MPs, and sure enough, they’re real sons of bitches, just as advertised. I feel safe now.”

Write to us for more testimonials – we have hundreds of them, even more than that other kennel from across the aisle.

So whether you need protection or just a playmate, become a Friend of the Tory Kennel. We’ll find just the right MPs to serve your needs.

The Tory Kennel. No job too low, no donation too high, no paying customer turned away. We’re always at your beck and call, Mr Comrade.


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