As founder, president and so far the only member of the Charles Martel Society for Multiculturalism, I’d like to thank my friend Recep Tayyip Erdoğan for reminding us of the wonders of diversity.
Specifically he has highlighted the exquisitely exotic taste of Turkish delight, a delicacy as sweet as revenge. Recep, being like me a religious man (and we know that all religions are at base the same), has served his God well.
“Alex, people don’t really understand God, or to be precise Allah,” Recep told me this morning over some fine raki, drunk out of tea cups for decorum’s sake.
“They think he’s all about mercy and loving your neighbour and in general being like a social worker with a stupid smile pasted onto his mug at all times.
“But Allah can also be jealous and wrathful, when need be. It’s like the Hegelian unity and struggle of opposites, catch my drift?
“Such a lopsided understanding of God creates a dangerous theological imbalance, which Islam in general, and I in particular, are out to correct – as a favour to our NATO partners and, in the near future, our fellow EU members. Different cultures learning from one another, that’s what multiculturalism is all about, isn’t it? Your health, my friend.”
“Yes, Recep,” I nodded, draining my glass as he drained his. “But people may get the wrong idea. They may think you’ve tipped the balance a bit too far the other way. Pictures of all those battered, naked men trussed up, all those beatings and beheadings in the streets…”
That got Recep agitated beyond control. “Men?!? There are no men among those plotters! They’re pigs! Dogs! Shaitan’s spawn! May a bridge break in half under their feet and they drown in a river of dog’s dung! I’m going to cut them up into little pieces and make doner kebabs out of their… whatsit!!! They went against me! Meaning against Allah!”
“Are you saying you’re Allah?” I asked, looking around uneasily. Fortunately, all the other Muslim drinkers in our nice Edgware Road bar were too preoccupied with their own tea cups to pay any attention to us. “Isn’t that kind of blasphemous?”
“Blasphemous, you filthy piece of pig’s dung?” objected Recep, who always addresses me and his other British friends by this epithet, designed to conceal the depth of the affection he feels for us.
“I’ll tell you what’s blasphemous, you glob of dog’s urine. It’s not recognising that cultures are different. Call yourself a multiculturalist? Well then, this is what our culture is all about.
“I may not be Allah, nor even Mohammed, but I’m their messenger. Like Allah, I’m prescient, catch my drift?
“That’s why I knew in advance who the 50,000 plotters would be. Had the list of them on my hard drive, may Allah turn them inside out and a scorpion sting them into their bare livers. That’s before they themselves knew their own fiendish plans, catch my drift?”
“Yes, Recep, I hear you’ve so far had some 6,000 officers and judges arrested, and 15,200 teachers sacked.”
“Those Shaitan’s spermatozoa are jolly lucky they only got sacked in this sense. Personally, I’d rather sew them up into burlap sacks and drop them into the Bosphorus, but that’ll have to wait until the passions have quieted down.”
“But Recep,” I asked, “what is it I hear about your reintroducing the death penalty and having thousands of conspirators executed in public? Some in the West may think…”
“I don’t give a sow’s penis what some in the West may think,” explained Erdoğan. “I only care about what Allah tells me. And Allah tells me these wouldn’t be executions. It would be pest control. So don’t call them conspirators – they’re a blight, may Allah shove their noses into their own rectums, so what comes out goes up their nostrils.
“We will continue to cleanse the virus from all state institutions, because this virus has spread. Unfortunately like a cancer, this virus has enveloped the state,” added Recep.
“Actually this gives me an idea… Can cancerous cells be implanted into people? I mean you strap them down, out comes the syringe, and Mohammed’s your uncle, Fatwa’s your aunt…”
“I don’t know, Recep,” I confessed. “I’m into multiculturalism, not medicine…”
“Oh well, never mind, you ignorant piece of boar’s droppings. There’s a toast I want to propose. To multiculturalism! Allahu akbar!”
We both drank, I gratefully, Recep triumphantly. Between us we had the whole issue of multiculturalism sorted out. Live and learn, I say. So here’s to you, Recep, may Allah sprinkle rose petals on every path you ever tread, and may you deflower those 70 virgins before you meet Allah in heaven.
And oh yes, if you, or any of my readers, would like to join my Charles Martel Society for Multiculturalism, I’ll be pleased to send you an entry form.