Yesterday I wrote about America historically defining herself in sacral terms. In the spirit of full disclosure, some parts of the article were lifted out of my book Democracy as a Neocon Trick.
I figure if you plagiarise yourself, it’s not really plagiarism, although an editor once took exception to this lazy tendency of mine. Instead of complimenting my dedication to responsible recycling, she issued a stern rebuke.
The thing about that Democracy book is that it was written before the God of America reincarnated as Donald Trump. Hence it lacked up-to-date illustrations, mostly relying instead on copious historical references.
That void was yesterday filled by a reader of mine who pointed me in the direction of a truly astounding publication, The God Bless the USA Bible. Since at first I thought she was putting me on, I put my fingers on the keyboard, and, what do you know, Google told me she wasn’t.
Here it is, that superlative publication. The adjective in this case refers not to the quality of the book, but to the number of superlatives it inspires. This is the most vulgar, the most idiotic, the most obscene and the most blasphemous tome I’ve seen since The God Illusion by Dawkins came out.
Snugly fitting under one, genuine-imitation-leather, cover are several texts conjoined in fideistic unity: handwritten chorus to God Bless the USA, the US Constitution, the Bill of Rights, the Declaration of Independence, the Pledge of Allegiance – and, as an afterthought, the King James Version.
Yours for only $59.99, this standard edition is “endorsed but not signed by President Trump”. But don’t despair: a signed version also exists, and you can purchase it for a knockdown price of $1,000. A simple subtraction shows that a facsimile of Trump’s autograph costs $940.01, and I’d call that a bargain.
However, if a grand is too rich for your blood, you can still upgrade on the standard version without having to mortgage your house. For just $40 more you can treat yourself to the Presidential Edition, “commemorating the 45th and 47th President of the United States of America Donald J. Trump”. What, not God?
The companion volumes, each at the same price of $99.99, are the First Lady Edition, commemorating Melania; the Vice Presidential Edition, commemorating Vance; and the somewhat repetitive Golden Age Edition, again “commemorating the 45th and 47th President of the United States of America Donald J. Trump”.
I do wonder, without spending $1,000 to find out, how Trump signs his personalised edition. Having myself signed quite a few copies of my own books, I know that this genre abounds in creative possibilities. For example, depending on the addressee, I sometimes wrote “From the admiring [smitten, awed, respectful, humble] author”.
However, with all due respect, I doubt that even Trump thinks he actually wrote any of those texts. The time is nigh, I’m sure, when he’ll begin his televised speeches by saying, for example, “My fellow Americans, I’m God, let’s talk Venezuela”, but it hasn’t arrived yet.
Still, I wouldn’t like to second-guess the president – his imagination in such matters is infinitely more fecund than mine. Though Penelope does sometimes call me ‘The Vulgar Bootman’, I hope she simply likes the sound of the pun without believing it has any real substance to it.
Out of interest, I wonder whether Trump gets a slice of that biblical action and, if yes, how big. He has been licensing his name for years to various property developers around the world, who believe his endorsement would make the buildings more desirable.
Does God feel the same way? I’ll ask Him the next time we talk. Meanwhile, I hope King Charles III reads, marks, learns, and inwardly digests this lesson in how to monetise public office. This sort of thing beats his Duchy Original jams and biscuits hands down.
Can’t you just see it? The God Bless the UK Bible, endorsed and, for an additional fee, signed by His Majesty, King Charles III. Besides the KJV, the contents could include such texts as the Magna Carta, the Bill of Rights (yes, we have one too), the Habeas Corpus Act and an offer of a royal discount on the full range of Duchy Original products.
Compared to the billions the Trump family has made out of such friends of America as Oman and Saudi Arabia, getting a few bob by flogging a deified America is mere pittance. But hey, take care of the pennies… and all that.
I’m sure there must be a way of checking the sales figures for this project, but I’m not sufficiently adept at manipulating computers. Still, supply-side economists reverse the famous adage of Jean-Baptiste Say by preaching that supply generates demand.
If true, then these obscene volumes must be flying off the shelves. I do, however, have a question for all MAGA fanatics: Do you realise how obscene these volumes are? How unspeakably vulgar, how demeaning not only to Scripture but even to politics?
No, perhaps not. Cults cauterise minds, and treating the US as God, with Trump as His son and prophet, is no exception. This is yet another vindication of Sophocles’s maxim, “Whom the gods would destroy, they first make mad”.
The gods have definitely turned MAGA fanatics mad, but I hope the deities will make an exception this once and agree not to destroy them, or their country. However, first indications are appearing that Trump may be restricted, if not yet destroyed.
The other day, five Republican senators joined the Democrats in denying Trump emergency powers to wage war on Venezuela, presumably also on Denmark. American legislators seldom go against the president from their own party, and Trump responded in a fashion all his own.
He called Sen. Susan Collins (R-Maine), one of the five, and unloaded on her a full compendium of words that until recently only appeared in unabridged dictionaries. The good senator was lucky that her private parts were outside Trump’s reach, for otherwise, if his earlier advice on treating women is to be believed, he would have made her change her vote.
As I wrote yesterday, equating America with God didn’t start with Trump. But this unenviable tendency has never before scaled such heights of blasphemous vulgarity. Then again, I’m sure there are some people out there whose aesthetic evaluation of The God Bless the USA Bible is different from mine. I suggest they hurry and order one or all of those volumes while stocks last.
For my part, I have for President Trump that special feeling of gratitude I reserve for those who provide helpful illustrations to my musings. If all the quotations from former presidents don’t make my case, then this project certainly takes the (Duchy Original?) biscuit.