Last night US, Britain and Australia signed a security alliance to develop an Australian nuclear-powered submarine fleet.
The announcement was made by Joe Biden, Boris Johnson and Australian PM Scott Morrison in a joint video meeting. All three leaders delivered speeches afterwards, and I was fortunate enough to obtain the full text of Biden’s address. Here it is:
“My fella Americans! Funny, ain’t it? I always call you fella Americans, even though, as Kamala keeps telling me, some of you ain’t fellas at all. Some of you are gals. So from now on I’ll be calling you my fella and gal Americans.
“I’m happy to announce a new deal I signed with the Brit president Boris Whatsisname and that fella from Down Under. Britain and us, we are gonna develop nucular thingamajigs for Down Under, so Down Under can defend itself from that Up and Over commie place.
“Now that Froggish guy Mackerel, he don’t like that deal one bit. Seems like Frogland had a deal going to supply Down Under with diesel whatchamacallits, but Down Under don’t want that deal no more.
“Seems like nucular thingamajigs go fast and stay long, like my wife Brigitte says I used to when I was young. But that Froggish guy Mackerel, he say: “Yo, Down Under! You can’t welsh on the deal, even if some of you are Welsh. We’ll sue your ass till the kangaroos come home for stabbing us in the back.
“And I say: “Yo, Mackerel! Don’t you ever talk to that fella from Down Under that way! He’s my pal, and I ain’t no square from Delaware, even if I am from Delaware. You talk to that fella from Down Under like this, you’ll have me to get through first.
“And tell your wife Jill not to look down her nose on my wife Brigitte. Brigitte is a better gal than any cheese-eating surrender monkey…
“Speaking of that, that Kiwi gal who lives next to Down Under, she don’t want no part of this deal. She say: ‘No nucular thingamajigs will come nowhere near me as long as I live. There’ll be no Kiwi ports for Down Under. And no wines. We don’t want no Kiwis to glow in the dark.
“She’s one ignorant gal. Those nucular thingamajigs are insular, and no nucular stuff ever gets out. But that’s gals for you. Oops, Kamala told me never to say this…”
The official press release on the joint security pact known as AUKUS smoothed out some of the rough edges. It quoted the three leaders as saying: “We will leverage expertise from the United States and the United Kingdom, building on the two countries’ submarine programmes, to bring an Australian capability into service at the earliest achievable date.”