
This is my wish to myself, not to you. No, I’m not planning to grow a beard, don a poncho, get high and pester strangers with offers to buy a flower.
The silly pun is based on the hip replacement surgery I’m getting in three weeks. That’ll put me on crutches for a month or two, much to the relief of my tennis partners who’ll be given a reprieve from having to carry me in doubles matches.
Looking on the bright side, I’ll never have to suffer the same misery again. I only have two hips, and the other one was done seven years ago. This is me all over, always positive, always looking for a silver lining on a dark cloud – not, as my detractors will have you believe, the other way around.
That wallowing in egotistical self-pity out of the way, I’m now going to marshal that positive spirit to wish you all a Happy New Year, with no puns anywhere in sight. May your 2026 be marked by good health, good cheer, good fortune – and good taste.
I assume that all my readers have impeccable taste, but – and I know you’ll find it hard to believe – not everyone out there reads my scribbles. Hence some people show a most lamentable deficit of that commodity.
It pains me to include in that number Queen Camilla, who seems to have set out to prove that Buck House can match the White House for armour-piercing tastelessness.
I’ll say one thing for the Donald though: at least his crudeness has no woke aspect to it. Thus, when he utters one of his endless vulgarities, most people understand them for what they are. Some are appalled, some are indifferent, some may even be appreciative. But no one thinks he’s trying to be fashionably nice.
By contrast, Camilla’s performance the other day and especially the public response to it show that large swaths of the British population have their minds anaesthetised and their taste buds cauterised by massive doses of wokery.
The Queen is active in various campaigns to curb domestic violence and sexual abuse. This is certainly a worthy cause, although I have to doubt such public-knowledge campaigning will do much good. It’s not as if woman beaters and rapists didn’t know such things are wrong. Nor are their victims likely to take such abuse in stride.
I suppose one could argue that shouting about sexual assault from the rooftops will prompt more victims to come forward and seek justice. Yet the downside is that moral – perhaps also legal – discrimination may fall by the wayside. Lasciviousness may be confounded with boorish behaviour, boorish behaviour with assault, assault with rape.
When such confusion is put into the framework of woke feminism, any woman who has ever been kissed against her will, which is to say just about any woman, may be encouraged to consider herself a victim of vicious assault.
She’d thus join a sorority of victimhood, sitting next to women who were actually raped or even killed. And, even if that unwanted kiss occurred decades ago, she’d lovingly cultivate the feeling of lasting emotional trauma that no intervening experience could ever erase.
This is just some background to, perhaps even an explanation of, Camilla’s unspeakable tastelessness the other day. She appeared on the Radio 4 Today show as part of her campaign to eradicate sexual violence.
Her guests were BBC racing commentator John Hunt and his surviving daughter. Mr Hunt’s wife and two other daughters were brutally murdered in 2024 by the former beau of one of the girls. He stabbed the mother to death, raped his former girlfriend, then killed her and her sister with a crossbow.
You may be able to fathom the depth of tragic despair suffered by the surviving members of that family – I can’t. Even the most callous of individuals would indeed be traumatised for life, with the darkest of glooms descending and no ray of light shining through. It would take real courage to carry on, and if the Hunts feel that showing their grief in public can help themselves and others, who am I to argue.
But there was our Queen, who showed real empathy with the suffering family. She too had suffered sexual assault when a young girl, she said; she too had had to live with that memory all her life.
When Camilla was 16 or 17, meaning over 60 years ago, she was reading a book on a train. A boy about her age tried to feel her up without permission, and a snuggle struggle ensued. “I did what my mother taught me to,” recounts Camilla. “I took off my shoe and whacked him in the nuts with the heel.”
That settled the issue. The train arrived at Paddington, Camilla got off and had her assailer arrested. I don’t know what happened to him in police custody but I doubt his heinous crime led to a prosecution. Sixty years ago, the cops probably just gave him a clip on the ear and sent him home with a warning not to be naughty again.
I find it hard to visualise that scene as Camilla remembers it. Clearly, that wasn’t much of an assault, if she could reach down, take off her shoe and use it as a striking weapon. Since she was sitting, for her to connect with the target she mentioned, the boy had to stand upright in front of her, his feet apart. Hence, not only was he a yob, but he wasn’t even very good at yobbery.
Then again, 60 years is a long time, and Camilla’s memory might have played some tricks. The Queen admitted as much by saying she had “sort of forgotten” the attack, which, however, had “lurked” at the back of her mind all that time. And only after seeing the courage of the Hunt family was she encouraged to speak out.
Am I the only one to see that Camilla scaled heights of woke tastelessness unimaginable even in someone of the lowliest of births, never mind a minor aristocrat who later became the Queen of the United Kingdom?
Even talking about that train incident 60 years after the event in any other than a jocular manner would be in poor taste. Seeing herself as a victim of an awful crime and speaking out about this in public is even worse. But doing so side by side with people who had suffered what the Hunts had suffered, implicitly equating her ordeal with theirs, takes us into a new territory still unnamed.
That story spoilt my New Year’s Eve, and I hope it won’t do the same to your New Year’s Day. Just it case it might, let we wish you again a very happy new year, unsullied by the woke grossness of our powers that be.









