Apologetic Putin gives the Crimea back – and other earth-shattering news

Shamed by Nigel Farage’s professed admiration of him, Col. Putin has issued this statement:

“Both personally and as President of the Russian Federation, I am grateful to Mr Farage for this accolade.

“However, I can only regard it as credit issued, something in need of repayment. For, as an honest man, I have to admit that my recent annexation of the Crimea, along with the aggressive wars I earlier launched against Chechnia and Georgia, ill-qualifies me for the admiration of such a great Westerner as Mr Farage.

“In light of that, I am announcing that the Crimean referendum is hereby declared invalid. I have ordered a summary withdrawal of all Russian troops from the peninsula, along with a complete stand-down of the contingent amassed along Russia’s border with the Ukraine.

“Much as I, along with many of my countrymen, may regret this, the Crimea is a legitimate part of the Ukraine, whose territorial integrity was guaranteed by the 1994 Budapest Memorandum. As one of the signatories to this document, Russia must abide by it.

“Moreover, I hereby renounce all future territorial claims on our neighbours and pledge not to solve any potential conflicts by force.

“I also thank my good friend Nigel for helping me see the error of my ways.”

On a day replete with earth-shattering news, Britain’s Prime Minister David Cameron has issued a statement of his own:

“I and my cabinet colleagues have thought long and hard about the future of Britain.

“After all, and I am man enough to admit that at times I forgot this, our brief is to look after the good of the country, not just our own good.

“I realise that what I am about to propose may jeopardise my electoral chances, but a moment must arrive in every man’s life when his actions have to be driven by his conscience, not career considerations.

“Therefore, I shall put before Parliament the following bills for which I and my cabinet will campaign tirelessly and conscientiously:

“This government proposes to withdraw from the European Union effective immediately.

“The British Parliament is entitled to pass any law, other than its own abolition. Though we may not have realised this at the time, the Maastricht Treaty was exactly such a law: Parliament has become emasculated and effectively lost its sovereignty.

“Hence I am declaring Britain’s membership in the EU null and void. Following parliamentary approval, the measure will become law – as, in view of the overwhelming cross-party support, there is no serious opposition to it.

“I am also proposing a bill obliging my and any future government to abandon any deficit spending at peacetime. Our profligacy has effectively bankrupted Britain, and this is exactly the situation I am committed to reversing.

“To fulfil this pledge, a drastic rollback of the welfare state will be necessary. I believe strongly that this is desirable even notwithstanding any economic considerations, for the welfare state – as opposed to just and charitable social provisions for the old and infirm – corrupts both its clients and society at large.

“My government will no longer attempt to buy the people’s vote. We aim to deserve it by putting forth policies promoting the common good.

“This applies to the moral good as well. Acting in this spirit, I propose to repeal the law allowing same-sex marriage, and I apologise for my former championship of it.

“I now realise this was a tragic mistake, with destructive social and moral consequences.”

Not to be outdone, President Obama has welcomed Mr Cameron’s initiatives and declared that he was committed to duplicating them in the United States. He has also renounced any support for the legislation commonly known as ‘Obamacare’.

Mr Obama has also committed the US administration to a Middle Eastern policy strategically aimed at negating the Islamic threat, rather than at promoting nebulous democracy in the region.

The president issued a mea culpa for not having realised sooner that the two desiderata are not so much complementary as mutually exclusive. “We must all learn from our mistakes,” said Mr Obama. “I now know that an aggressive pursuit of democracy in the Middle East can only lead to an Islamic radicalisation of the region.”

In a parallel development, the governments of all Islamic states and the Palestinian Authority have declared that they now recognise the legitimacy of the State of Israel, regret the bloodshed they have caused and undertake henceforth to solve any future problems by peaceful diplomacy.

While enthusiastically supporting this declaration, Iran’s president Hassan Rouhani has stated that Iran is stopping its nuclear development programme with immediate effect. “As Allah is my witness,” said Mr Rouhani, “with our oil deposits we don’t need nuclear power for any peaceful purposes. And these are the only purposes we have.”

The United Nations General Assembly has endorsed this development, also announcing that it is stopping all promotion of the global-warming agenda “until such time that we have some reliable scientific evidence in its favour”.

In response to this announcement, all Western European governments have suspended the development of the energy resources based on wind farms and solar panels. Instead they have decided to redouble their efforts to expand the network of nuclear power stations and also to accelerate the adoption of hydraulic fracturing as a means of extracting shale gas.

The European Union, galvanised by Britain’s withdrawal, has abandoned its aim of ‘further pan-European integration’ in favour of purely economic cooperation based on a series of bilateral treaties among European nations.

Happy All Fools’ Day!

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