At last, great news from Russia

Lately Russia has made the news mostly for things like aggressive wars, annexation of other countries’ territories, political murders, electronic subversion and money laundering on an epic scale.

Positive developments have been in short supply, which is why I’m particularly pleased to report that things are beginning to look up.

This is thanks to a startling innovation achieved in that great land under the tutelage of its Strong Leader: music and law enforcement have joined forces to the noble end of steering culture the right way.

The news resonates with me for personal reasons. My wife and some of my best friends are musicians… sorry, I mean classical musicians. This is an essential qualifier because unqualified musicianship is now the domain of other genres, such as pop and rap.

Quite right too: way back when the Whigs identified vox populi as vox dei. Therefore, since vox populi votes for pop rather than ‘classical’, it’s God Almighty Himself who does a bit of E, smokes a spliff and rocks to the majestic sounds of the same three chords electronically amplified to produce pandemic deafness. But I digress.

As I can testify, the mental discipline classical musicians display when playing their instruments is sorely lacking in their everyday life. Those temperamental creatures hold whatever views appeal to them, go to bed at odd hours and get up late, eat whatever and whenever they feel like – and in general irritate the living bejeesus out of those of us who try to practise Strong Leadership at home.

I’ve been saying for years that it’s about time someone reined in this anarchy on wheels. Finally, someone has – and I’m proud to announce that this eagerly awaited initiative comes from the land of the Strong Leader.

The most astounding merger in history has just been announced between Moscow Conservatory and the Investigative Committee of the Russian Federation (IC).

The nature of the former institution is self-explanatory because its analogues exist in most other countries. But, since the IC is unique to Russia, you may not know much about it.

This paramilitary organisation is one of the ‘muscle’ agencies (siloviki in Russian). Its official function is similar to some of those of our Crown Prosecution Service, Special Branch and MI5 combined, but official means little in the land ruled by the Strong Leader.

The IC’s sole job is transmitting and enacting the Strong Leader’s will by quasi-legal means, and it reports to no one but him personally. Therefore it sits in judgement not only of lawbreakers but also of all other siloviki, including the police, the army and, at the IC’s most daring, even the FSB.

The IC is led by Gen. Alexander Bastrykin, who’s uniquely qualified to oversee both justice and culture: he was the Strong Leader’s classmate at Leningrad University.

Since then the good general has made the Magnitsky List, barring officials implicated in murder from entry to the US and Britain. Alphabetically and institutionally, Gen. Bastrykin sits higher on the List than the nuclear terrorists Lugovoi and Kovtun.

A couple of years ago, this formidable gentleman fielded an awkward question at a press conference by threatening to take the offending scribe into a forest, shoot him personally and bury him there and then. And, he added with the subtle wit for which Russian legal minds are justly famous, “I’ll investigate the killing myself.”

Under the IC’s guidance and Gen. Bastrykin’s leadership Russian legality has made giant strides: in the rule of law category Russia currently ranks 92 out of 97 countries rated.

This puts her below Bangladesh, Cambodia and Burundi, which re-emphasises the anti-Russian collusion among rating agencies and the rest of the world. Under such conditions of unwarranted universal hostility, the need for the Strong Leader to put his foot down is ever greater – hence the ground-breaking initiative.

The Conservatory and the IC will “cooperate in educating the Russians spiritually, morally and culturally,” informs the press release. After all, “the legal profession has always been the elite, and its representatives are known for their refinement, culture and erudition.”

The naysayers among you may be tempted to recall that the Russian legal profession, especially but not exclusively over the past century, has also been known for a few other things of which its current bottom-of-the-list performance is but a weak reflection. But do let’s look on the bright side.

The initiative will “greatly advance the business of developing in the young generation a sense of beauty and love of the motherland”. Because, when all is said and done, “IC officers and artists are united in their ethical desiderata: kindness, mercy and quest for justice.” As embodied in Gen. Bastrykin and his Strong Leader, is the unspoken refrain.

Actually, this isn’t the first foray by the IC into the sphere of ineffable beauty. In 2016 the IC entered into a similar arrangement with the Writers’ Union. According to Gen. Bastrykin, the aim was then as it is now to join forces in the escalating “war for young minds”.

Since our friends on the hard right often express a longing for a Strong Leader just like Putin, perhaps we ought to import this initiative into Her Majesty’s realm.

God knows our young minds are in bad need of cultural refinement, mental discipline and even, it pains me to observe, “kindness, mercy and quest for justice”. “Love of the motherland” isn’t at its most fervent either.

To fill this void, Mrs May should demand that the Royal Academy, Writers’ Guild, CPO, Special Branch and MI5 create a joint task force – possibly led by Peter Hitchens or any other person longing for Strong Leadership.

The task force should have far-reaching powers to dictate how and what musicians should play and writers should write. This is the general concept, but some details still need working out.

For example, how would the task force ensure compliance? There aren’t many forests around London after all. Perhaps at a pinch Hyde Park could do as a possible burial ground.