Barack does London, Shakespeare and all

No US tourist can do London without paying respect to Shakespeare’s Globe Theatre, and my friend Barack Hussein is no exception.

Anyway, he told me he deserved a bit of relaxation and a bit of culture: the former was sorely needed, while the latter was a chance to show the world that Barack Hussein had interests and aspirations beyond politics. After all, soon he won’t be in politics for much longer.

The culture tour didn’t disappoint. The company put on a show featuring bits and pieces of Hamlet, with the slings and arrows soliloquy taking centre stage. To make Barack Hussein feel at home, it was delivered by a black actor, and Barack was nodding approvingly.

After all, Shakespeare is a universal genius, isn’t he? So who says that Danish prince always has to be played by a honky? After all, black people had to suffer from transracialism for centuries, with whitey crackers putting shoe polish on their faces to play Othello. Now it’s the whites’ turn to moan about the incongruity of it all.

Speaking of slings and arrows, Barack Hussein had flung quite a few of his own before venturing across the river, all aimed at those Limeys who just won’t do as they’re told about Europe. Get out indeed. Don’t they know that most Americans, including, truth be told, Michelle, have always seen Europe as a single country anyway?

They go to Florence and ask for directions to the Colosseum, Rialto Bridge or even the Parthenon, as testified by the Scotsman who owns an English-language bookshop next to the Duomo. The Colosseum is in Rome, he’d explain patiently to yet another lost lamb wandering into his shop, Rialto Bridge is in Venice, and the Parthenon is, well, in Greece. This often perplexes the visitors even more, eliciting desperate follow-up questions, along the lines of “And where are we?”

In those guys’ minds Europe is already a single entity, and Barack Hussein has no intention of disillusioning them. Make no mistake about it, being a Harvard man, he knows that, say, Bulgaria and Sweden are as different from each other as either of them is different from Guatemala.

But Barack Hussein, he don’t give two flying bucks about that. His advisers done told him it’s in America’s interests for Britain to remain in the EU, and that’s that. What’s good for America is good enough for the world, and it’s certainly good enough for the Limey racists who used to oppress Kenya, specifically its Nyangoma-Kogelo part.

One idea Barack Hussein’s advisers floated by him had a huge commercial potential for the good old US of A. With Britain mainlined into the EU, they said, we could put a fence around Europe, call it Disney EU and charge admission. One ride could be called ‘Europe’s Mickey Mouse politicians’, 20 euros to get on, but hold on to your wallet all the time you’re riding.

Barack Hussein’s buddy Dave, he knows what’s what. That’s why he asked Barack Hussein for help. Lay it on thick, blood, you’re my main man, Dave said, or words to that effect. Actually what he did say was, let’s take up arms against a sea of UKIP troubles and by opposing end them.

He sure talks funny, thought Barack Hussein at the time, but then what do you know? He went to the Globe and heard that actor brother recite those very words on stage. So Dave hadn’t just asked for help. He was being a hoity-toity Limey, showing off his education, just like those racists who oppressed Kenya, specifically its Nyangoma-Kogelo part.

Perchance to dream? Well, dream on, Dave, my main man, thought Barack Hussein. The insolence of office, my ass. Dream about being a player on the global stage, like Barack Hussein. You ain’t nothing but a flunky, bro, to both the EU and the US of A. You want me to lay it on thick, to save yo political ass? You’re my man.

Unless Britain be in the EU, declared Barack Hussein, it can whistle Dixie for the next trade deal with the US of A. Well, maybe not Dixie, maybe whistling north of the Mason-Dixon line would be better. But that’s the general idea.

So Europe cracks the whip, Britain makes the trip. And if the referendum goes the wrong way, he, Barack Hussein, will personally see to it that it’ll be like post-WWII – Britain on the breadline with all the US chits called in, and this time it’ll be cash on the nail. If the Limeys have any cash left by then, that is.

And them Limeys mustn’t think that things will change when Hilary gets in. No, Siree Bob. Hilary, she be a cracker but she has the same advisers as Barack Hussein. So she’ll know what to do. She’ll tell the Limeys to stay mainlined into Brussels or else.

To be or not to be, my ass, thought Barack Hussein. To be, that’s the answer to that. You be part of the EU, you walk the line, you be fine. Or else you’ll see them slings and arrows like you done never seen’em before.