My friend Vlad is tragically misunderstood, and so is the country he leads with so much wisdom and panache. Therefore I’d like to apologise to him for having shamefully found myself among his detractors.
Many a time have I referred to Vlad as a kleptofascist dictator out to restore Russia to the former glory of Stalin’s Soviet Union, thereby making her an even greater threat to the West. That was delusions speaking, which is a clinical symptom of mental disorder.
Thankfully, Vlad brought me back to health by pointing out where I had gone wrong. We have nothing to fear from Russia, he explained.
“Only a sick man can imagine that Russia will attack Nato,” said Vlad. “And then only in his dreams.”
The Yanks are fanning the conflict in the Ukraine, he added, because “the Americans don’t fancy very much a rapprochement between Russia and Europe.” And where’s the Anglo-Saxons’ vaunted sense of fair play?
“When European countries integrate, this is [supposed to be] normal, and when we do the same in the post-Soviet space, they try to explain this as our urge to recreate some empire,” Vlad complained.
Awful injustice, that. Of course committed Russophobes might argue that, while European countries integrate of their own free will, however misguided, Russia promotes the noble cause of reunification with tanks, missiles and field artillery. But then what else can one expect from such Russia-hating vermin?
As to the “unconstitutional coup” in the Ukraine, explained Vlad further, “in the field, so to speak, it was led by either the US ambassador or the CIA station head.”
“We are moving nowhere – it’s Nato’s infrastructure that’s moving towards our borders, including the military infrastructure… We are merely responding to threats.”
Of course, silly me. Russia’s annexation of the Crimea followed by a large-scale assault on the East Ukraine was self-defence against America – just like the Soviet Union’s pre-empting the impending US occupation of Hungary in 1956 and Czechoslovakia in 1968.
In other words, we all – emphatically and contritely including myself – have got the situation terribly wrong. Indeed, we have nothing to fear from Russia, whereas Russia has every reason to fear the combined might of Nato, spearheaded in Europe by a rapidly remilitarising Britain.
But I hope Vlad won’t judge us too harshly, considering how we were led astray by certain developments that we woefully misread. Our subsequent overreaction was thus nothing short of emotional disorder.
When Vlad’s TV spokesman Kisiliov talked about the likely possibility of turning America to radioactive dust, only a sleeping madman could have detected a threat in that figure of speech.
When Vlad himself mentioned in passing that, had he encountered any Western resistance to the occupation of the Crimea, he would have been prepared to use nuclear weapons, he didn’t at all mean it the way it sounded. Only a dormant lunatic would be worried.
When Russian nuclear-armed bombers constantly overfly Nato countries, who but a sleepwalking maniac would see that as a factor of danger? Russia has every right to train her pilots, so wake up and smell the plutonium, you Nato warmongers.
When Russia calls up reservists and conducts endless training exercises involving massive concentrations of troops on Nato borders, this is exactly what they are – exercises. It takes a nutter to detect an aggressive intent there, and a slumbering nutter at that.
And when Russia attacks a sovereign country, annexes first one part of her territory, then another, then threatens to grab the lot, only a psychopath would fail to see that it wasn’t Russia who did all that.
It was in fact local rebels protesting against the unconstitutional coup that vexes Vlad so. Vlad, you see, is staunchly devoted to defending constitutions, Russia’s own or anyone else’s. The Yanks should keep that a mind: Vlad may decide to invade, say, Maryland should he detect a threat to that state’s or federal constitution.
Now why did American and European Russophobes provoke the bloodshed in the Ukraine in which Russia has played no part at all? Why did they go to such lengths to cast Russia in the role of international pariah?
Simple. What’s unfolding before our very eyes is a fiendish conspiracy to take the 2018 World Cup away from Russia. Hence the FIFA corruption scandal concocted by the CIA in cahoots with the Ukrainian Judaeo-Nazi Banderites.
This isn’t to say that some money didn’t change hands to strengthen Russia’s just claim to holding this great sporting event. Of course it did. But isn’t that what capitalism is all about, paying for what you get?
Those Russophobes must decide whether or not they want Russia to stay the course of capitalism, democracy – and constitution, let’s not forget that. If they do, then they have no grounds for objecting to a fair market transaction. Unless, of course, they are prepared to prove yet again that they are nothing but sleepwalking madmen.
P.S. Vlad isn’t the only misunderstood politician. My other friend Dave also complains that his promise to sack any minister who doesn’t want Britain to become a province of the EU was “misinterpreted”.
Indeed it was. Dave did say he’d sack “any bastard who doesn’t toe the line”. But the word ‘bastard’ means an illegitimate child. Since no government minister was born ‘on the wrong side of the blanket’, as Dave’s mother would have put it, in effect he was saying he would sack no one. Another tragically misunderstood figure, if you ask me.