Britain has values, declared Dave in his uncompromising New Year message. And these are the values that are well and truly… well, non-negotiable.
Unfortunately, the text released to the public has been edited so tightly that both the subtleties of meaning and the thunder of delivery have been lost.
However, as he always does, Dave did send me the unexpurgated text beforehand. “Alex, me old China,” he said (Dave likes to remind people that he’s just a common bloke when he’s at home, and he’s only ever really at home when in public), “have a read. This is what I really want to say, not the b******s they’re going to publish tomorrow. Djahmean?”
Of course Dave insisted on complete discretion on my part, which I solemnly vowed. “My word’s my bond, Dave,” I said. “I’ll never divulge this original version of your speech.” So here’s the unexpurgated text:
“British values are strong, and they are getting stronger by the minute. Property values especially, and those in my favourite neighbourhoods of Notting Hill and Islington are outstripping the overall mean growth by a wide margin.”
“But it’s not all about property values, although without this narrative our economy would be well and truly… well, less prosperous. We have other values as well: freedom, tolerance, responsibility, loyalty, to name just a few. And these matter to us at least as much as the price of a semi-detached, four-bedroom, two-bath house in Notting Hill.
“These are the values threatened by a seething hatred of the West, one that turns so many people against their own country.
“They don’t seem to understand the concept of tolerance and loyalty. But they won’t defeat us. For we – well, false modesty aside, I – have come up with a sure-fire way of countering their poisonous narrative of grievance and resentment.
“In essence, without boring you with too many details, we’ll give them nothing to grieve or resent. The narrative of tolerance means being ready to amend our ways, accommodating those good, peaceful people of the Muslim persuasion who find our ways so objectionable that they are prepared to blow themselves up on public transport.
“We are not going to appease the extremists. We are going to take their ideology apart piece by piece. For, to paraphrase Oscar Wilde, the best way to overcome an ideology is to yield to it.
“Islam, as we all know, is a religion of peace, and desire for peace is one of those British values that are well and truly… well, indispensable.
“We’ll ask, ‘You resent every reminder that Britain used to be a Christian nation?’ Worry not, we are ready to become more Muslim than Christian to make you abandon your evil ideology.
“You’re upset that the English common law still holds sway in those tiny parts of our jurisprudence that don’t come down to us from Brussels? Not a problem: you can live by Sharia in your own communities, with the English common law well and truly… well, invalidated.”
“You lament the relatively small size of your communities? Point taken: we’ll admit millions of your coreligionists from other countries just to keep you company and make you happy.
“For, as any teacher will tell you, it’s easier to instruct people who are next to you than those hundreds of miles away.
“How else can we inculcate people around the world with British values, and I don’t just mean property values, everyone seems to grasp those with no outside help, if not by bringing those potential pupils to Britain, where those values are well and truly… well, flourishing.
“This is the narrative we wish to narrate forcefully and narratively. Because we have great confidence in – indeed we revel in – our way of life.
“Our way of life constitutes, narratively speaking, the greatest narrative of British values. And there’s no British value that my government can’t – or won’t – well and truly… well, uphold.”
Having read Dave’s speech, I immediately rang him on the dog, to use his parlance.
“Dave,” I said, “Churchill’s blood, sweat and tears speech has nothing on your uncompromising oratory. He only rallied the nation to fight a war. You’re rallying it to avoid one – and the best way of doing so is to surrender in advance.”
“Ta, mate,” said Dave. “You really understand me – and my narrative.”