My friend Dave has kindly provided the real transcript of his speech to the Israeli parliament, stressing that it’s strictly for private use only.
I can understand his reluctance to let the text seep into the mainstream media, for the shoddy research on the part of Dave’s speech writers created a rather embarrassing situation.
Mercifully, the Knesset agreed to bury the speech as delivered and replace it with the one they helped Dave draft on the spot. It’s the second version that has been released orbi et urbi, but I thought you might be interested to read the original text. In the strictest confidence, of course.
“Gutn morgn, khaverim. Shalom!
“I’m so happy I’ve shlepped to Eretz Israel from my native shtetl London!
“Ber mir bist du shayn, boychick, as my Yiddishe great-great-great-great-great-grandmother used to tell me when she wasn’t writing the first great book of Jewish literature after the Old Testament, and that’s what I’m telling you now: you’re beautiful!
“To begin with, let me tell you that, even though I’m part Dane, and their PM Helle is a sheyne shikse in my native Yiddish, I disagree with the Danes who say that ‘animal rights come before religion’.
“Religion for me comes before animal rights, and I mean any religion to whose practitioners I happen to be speaking at the moment.
“Since it’s you I’m speaking to, khaverim, and since I’m part Jewish, a Yiddische bocher – the better part, actually – I think that if you feel like eating kosher and practising Shechita, who’s to say you can’t already? Certainly no one who needs the Jewish vote next year.
“Eating kosher is your right, and nobody sticks up for human rights as resolutely as I do, even if it’s the right of every faygala to marry another faygala.
“Allow me to take this opportunity to say that no doubt that nudnik momser Miliband is going to talk to you soon. Since he pretends to be a Yiddishe mensch, he’ll no doubt ask you for gelt to finance his ridiculous campaign.
“All he ever does is kvetch about lack of campaign funds, especially now that even the Unions have reduced their contributions. Even though I’m part Labour myself, don’t give him a single shekel! Bupkes! He’s at heart pro-Arab, that no-goodnik, and his father was a communist!
“O tempere o tsoriss, as another Jew, Cicero, once said, meaning that it’s oy gavalt when the likes of that putz pretend to be your friend!
“I’m telling you this on the emes: no one admires your chutzpah in facing up to the Arabs as much as I do – this, even though I’m part Arab myself. We’re all one happy family, mishpukhe in my native Yiddish, and okay, maybe they have the right to have their own state already.
“But you have that right too, you must keep your state, whatever is left of it after the diplomatic efforts of my friend, that’s pryyand to you, Barack and my own Foreign Office.
“As we say in my native Yiddish…
[At this point Craig Oliver, Dave’s Director of Communications, whispered something in his ear. Dave turned purple and screamed, having remembered to turn off the microphone first:]
What the **** do you mean, they don’t speak Yiddish?!? They’re Jews, aren’t they? Who the **** wrote this ******* speech?!? Don’t you ******* idiots do any research?!? So what the **** do they speak? Right, now you tell me. So get your finger out and give me a Hebrew phrase – now!!! Well, look it up, you moron! Any bloody phrase! Fine, this’ll do…
[Switches the microphone back on]
“As we say in my native Hebrew, ach-shav ani mevin. Now I understand all your needs and I’m with you wholeheartedly!”