Dutchman’s meat is any man’s poison

Have you no shame? Just think of yourself as a cold-blooded killer every time you tuck into a burger.


First, of course, you are an accomplice to the murder of the animal out of whose flesh that burger was fashioned. But second and even more heinous is the crime of killing our planet you commit with every bite.

Ignorance of the law is no excuse, so don’t give me the cock-and-bull story about not knowing what cattle husbandry does to the climate. However, to give you a chance to redeem yourself, I’ll have you know that some 14 per cent of all man-made greenhouse gases are produced by agriculture.

And a great part of that poison comes out of livestock. It emits not only that murderous CO2, but also methane – and if you don’t believe me, just open your car window when driving past a feeding station. The stench you’ll smell will mostly come from hydrogen sulphide, but methane makes up much of the volume of the same gas.

That CO2 is destroying our planet is a fact universally acknowledged by scientists receiving UN grants and journalists working for progressive media.

Dyed-in-the-wool deniers can scream till the methane-emitting cows come home that CO2 makes up only 0.0407 per cent of atmosphere by volume. That makes it a trace gas. And anthropogenic CO2 is only three per cent of that, so call it a trace of a trace.

So bloody what? If the UN says that this trace of a trace is about to incinerate our planet, then so it will. Add to this that animal methane, and unless we do something sharpish we’ll all end up as what Houston firemen used to call ‘charcoal critters’.

So trust the Dutch to answer this desperate call. The charming city of Haarlem is about to ban all meat advertising as a way of saving our planet.

As someone wholeheartedly committed to every UN initiative, especially if designed to prevent a global Armageddon, I welcome this measure. My only regret is that it doesn’t go far enough.

First, it’s not just meat advertising that ought to be banned but, above all, meat production. When our planet is in danger, no palliatives will do.

Since I scoff pounds of ossenworst, the Dutch raw beef sausage, every time I’m in Holland, it pains me to issue this call. But I’m prepared to sacrifice my taste buds to the cause of saving our planet.

(Ossenworst and their unmatched herring are the most visible Dutch contributions to civilisation since the 17th century. At that time they produced sublime art and great urban architecture. Since then, it has been ossenworst and herring. Whether you see that as progress or decline depends on your priorities.)

Second, it’s not just cattle husbandry, but any kind of agriculture that releases that silent killer CO2 into the atmosphere. Turning the soil has this effect, which is part of the reason the climate got warmer when people learned to plant and harvest crops (some African countries are still learning). The plough has done more harm to our planet than atom bombs ever have, although that may soon change.

If we are being consistent, all cereals should be banned too, though some fruit and veg could still be allowed, subject to stringent regulations. On second thoughts, scratch that.

We’ll continue to kill our planet until we acknowledge that what’s most destructive to it is man’s befouling presence. But for man (also woman and other!), our planet would be beautiful in its primordial virginity.

The sun would still remain active, meaning that the amount of CO2 in the atmosphere would be almost the same as now, but at least there would be no one else to blame or, come to that, do the blaming. No greedy oil companies, no selfish drivers, no dastardly industry, no aerosol sprays – and no UN to bring them all to account.

And – let’s not forget that – no Dutch government courageously placing its nation in the forefront of the unstoppable march towards progress. The Dutch are holding up high the lantern lighting our path to a shining future.

They’ve pioneered a welcome method of saving the world from the toxic and resource-sapping presence of old people: kill them all. And now they’ve taken the first step towards saving the world from meat advertising first, meat production the likely second and agriculture in general the probable third.

At least we can stop tossing and turning through the night worrying about our planet. It’s in safe hands. We, on the other hand, are in deep trouble.

P.S. To avoid any misunderstanding, whenever I say ‘our planet’, I mean the Earth. And what did you think I meant?

3 thoughts on “Dutchman’s meat is any man’s poison”

  1. “If we are being consistent, all cereals should be banned too, though some fruit and veg could still be allowed, subject to stringent regulations. On second thoughts, scratch that.”

    Don’t forget to ban honey. You are stealing from the bees.

    1. To ensure there is honey, you have to follow the fraudulent story published in “Journal Apidologie” in May 2011 that concluded (based on no evidence whatsoever) that cell phones kill bees. Confiscate all cell phones immediately and destroy all transmission towers! Actually, that would be a good thing for the mental health of millions of people. We might need a different plan.

  2. Your aside about the fall of the Dutch is interesting. They were world leaders in art, trade, and science in the 17th century, even as they embraced Calvin and Luther. So, while Protestantism may have contributed to the fall, it must have had help. Certainly since the latter half of the 20th century they have been some of the most “woke” people in the world. They lag far behind the U.S. in abortions, but possibly lead the world in getting rid of old, useless citizens.

    That previous sentence has now been the source of inspiration! Decrease the slaughter and breeding of cows, and supplement that loss with “wrinklie burgers”!

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