Heil Zion!

Did you know that Hitler was a Zionist? No? Boy, do you have a lot to learn.

Not only that Adolf was a Zionist at heart, but also that the Holocaust is a hoax. Mossad murdered Kennedy and was behind 9/11. The Rothschilds and George Soros are among the Elders of Zion seeking to take over the world in accordance with the perfectly authentic Protocols. “The millionaires and billionaires of the Jewish persuasion hold dual citizenship, most of them.”

I could go on, but I don’t want you to feel even more embarrassed about your ignorance. But not to worry: you can plug all such gaping holes in your knowledge by enrolling into that great educational institution: the Labour Party.

The Chancellor of this university, otherwise known as Labour leader Jeremy Corbyn, is amply qualified to supervise your education.

Proceeding from the unassailable assumption that his enemies’ enemies are his friends, Comrade Corbyn is a proud member of every anti-Semitic organisation active in the UK, and some that aren’t. And he publicly supported the rather controversial mural showing fat hook-nosed bankers playing Monopoly on the backs of the poor.

Comrade Jeremy counts among his close friends such renowned experts on Judaism as Ken Livingston (whom even the Labour Party had to suspend for anti-Semitism), Gerry Downing, the Labour activist who got to the bottom of the Jews’ true allegiances (see the quotation above), and of course the entire leadership of Hamas and Hezbollah.

The curriculum will include the aforementioned Protocols, along with selected works by such world-famous scholars as Julius Streicher, Joseph Goebbels, Adolf Hitler, Henry Ford, Roald Dahl, Louis-Ferdinand Céline, Fyodor Dostoyevsky – and, most appropriately, a full course on the scriptural source of the Labour Party, Karl Marx.

The general direction of the programme was charted in Marx’s seminal 1844 treatise On the Jewish Question:

“What is the worldly religion of the Jew? Huckstering. What is his worldly God? Money… Money is the jealous god of Israel, in face of which no other god may exist. Money degrades all the gods of man – and turns them into commodities… The bill of exchange is the real god of the Jew. His god is only an illusory bill of exchange… The chimerical nationality of the Jew is the nationality of the merchant, of the man of money in general.”

If Jews are the question, what’s the answer? Comrade Corbyn so far has shied away from the radicalism of Comrades Hitler, Goebbels and Streicher. At present he has limited himself to producing the peer-reviewed article, Apologia Pro Odio Iudaeorum: Marx Hated’em Too, every time a member of his faculty is accused of anti-Semitism.

And his university cum party has threatened to deselect any Labour MP who took part in last Monday’s Westminster demonstration against anti-Semitism. Such turncoats have no place in today’s Labour, although some of the renegades’ colleagues wish Comrade Corbyn expressed his academic tenets with greater subtlety.

He had to hold back some of his other colleagues, who insisted that the question so poignantly posed by Marx should be answered with a more radical, or shall we say final, solution. But Comrade Corbyn reminded them that the essence of scientific enquiry is going from small to big, arriving at the ultimate truth by incremental steps. “Festina lente, lads,” he postulated. “Giz time.”

When taken to task by some naysayers, Comrade Corbyn vehemently denied any animus transcending scholarly objectivity. “Anti-Semite, moi?” he protested. “Certainly not. Why, some of my best friends are Christ-killers – even though Christ never existed,” he hastened to add.

Oh well, good knockabout fun can be had by all. But when one recalls that these ghouls are half a step removed from government, suddenly the situation isn’t funny any longer.

I am, however, surprised that so many people are surprised. To them, anti-Semitism is supposed to be a proprietary property of conservatives. Yet, whatever conservatives feel about the subject privately, and some of them may not be a million miles away from Corbyn, they refrain from venting such sentiments in public.

The whole ethos of British conservatism precludes preaching or condoning hatred. After all, conservatism is rooted not in Das Kapital but in another book, which teaches that “There is neither Jew nor Greek…: for ye are all one in Christ Jesus.”

Where Comrade Corbyn et al can find allies is in various faschisoid groups whose principal animus comes from hatred, no matter how loudly they proclaim their love of Britain. The two ends of the line bend backwards to link up and form a truly vicious circle.

One wonders to what extent Labour’s overt and growing anti-Semitism is genuine, coming from the viscera and Marx, as opposed to purely pragmatic. After all, the electoral arithmetic is simple: there are some 250,000 Jews in the UK and over three million Muslims.

What is democratic campaigning if not appealing to the innermost feelings of the target group? It’s no secret that our Muslim friends’ love of Jews is rather understated. In fact, throughout Europe the number of anti-Semitic incidents tends to be directly proportionate to the number of Muslims in the community.

Is Comrade Jeremy trying to secure even a greater chunk of the Muslim vote, albeit at the risk of alienating his Jewish supporters? Or am I maligning Jeremy by attributing to him cold-blooded cynicism rather than socialist idealism? The questions are purely academic, for the upshot is the same.

One thing I am convinced about is that every Briton casting his vote for Labour is no longer just Corbyn’s supporter. He’s his accomplice.