The unveiling of a statue to Greta Thunberg at Winchester University made me feel ashamed of myself, for two reasons.
First, I didn’t realise the poor girl had died, which she must have done – after all, even saints only merit statues posthumously.
Actually, I’m cross with our news media for failing to inform us of Greta’s tragic demise. This conspiracy of silence testifies to the wicked nature of our establishment, even though it fulsomely claimed to accept the validity of the cause Greta championed so passionately.
And then I’m mortified at the abuse to which I subjected Greta while she was still alive. I called her retarded, hysterical, strident, devil’s spawn, ignorant – even an evil child with learning difficulties. Mea culpa!
Numerous were the occasions when I thus besmirched the girl’s character, while describing her cause as a hoax lacking any scientific justification and only propagated by the enemies of our civilisation specifically for the purpose of destroying it.
Now, I must admit I still have some residual misgivings about global warming and those who take it up as a cause. However, Greta’s untimely death is akin to martyrdom, and that, as we know, can redeem…
Hold on a second… Oh dear. Penelope has just looked over my shoulder and said I should really read the whole article before jumping to premature assumptions. This, she says, is typical of my tendency to reach conclusions on the basis of slapdash research.
Turns out Greta is very much alive, and the monument is Winchester University’s way of casting in bronze her status as the immortal legend in her own time.
So sorry I’ve misled you. I’m hereby taking back everything I’ve taken back that I ever said about Greta. By this process of double negation, we arrive at my true position:
Great Thunberg is indeed a retarded, ignorant, strident and genuinely evil child with learning difficulties. And her cause is indeed a shamanistic crusade drawing under its banners every manner of malcontent on a wicked mission to destroy our civilisation — which group manifestly includes the administration and faculty of Winchester University.
I’m glad we’ve sorted this out – thanks, Penelope. Please remind me to abuse the statue mingently next time we’re in Winchester.