It’s about time we told God what’s what

Who says God is just? If God exists, and it’s a big if, as far as today’s churches are concerned, he’s a misogynist, a racist and an elitist. As such, he has no place in today’s progressive world – unless he mends his ways.

One group that set out to keep the deity on the straight and narrow is called Darc (Women Deans, Archdeacons and Residentiary Canons). These venerable Anglican ladies take exception to the way the House of Bishops has handled the hot potato of female bishops and their inexorable consecration.

It’s not that the Bishops have opposed the measure, God (if he exists) forbid. It’s just that they had the temerity to suggest that, if some parishes demur, they can ask for a male bishop as a late-game substitute.

Darc are aghast, and quite right too. Their problem, I think, is that they aren’t resolute enough in their just opposition to this clause, which one, for lack of a newer term, can only call fascist:

‘We the undersigned wish to express our deep dismay at the introduction of Clause 5(1)(c), which has serious implications for the way the Church understands itself and undermines women so profoundly that we are now unable to support the Measure.’

While complimenting the venerable ladies for their reverential use of initial capitals, one has to rebuke them for their timidity. After all, women have been ‘undermined’ by various confessions for two thousand years now, and they only demand equality? The way to undo the oppression is to introduce what the Americans call ‘affirmative action’. That means giving women not just equal but preferential treatment and also to reassess some of the manifestly false assumptions of misogynistic apostles.

The Rev Celia Thomson, Canon of Gloucester Cathedral and Darc convenor, asks, somewhat rhetorically, ‘Do we really want to be… responsible for putting through legislation that discriminates against women?’ We most certainly don’t. And, to prevent this outrage, someone has to act in the capacity of Martina Luther and Joanna Calvin.

This is a man-sized job, and I’m the man for it. So here they are, the key points of a manifesto behind which Darc and all womankind can close ranks:

1) Referring to God as a ‘he’ is gender stereotyping if I’ve ever heard it. As a minimum, we must acknowledge that God was androgynous, neither a man nor a woman. But to undo all those millennia of discrimination, we must then accept that he is actually a she. And so she will remain until such time when misogyny has been expunged without a trace.

2) If depicting God as a male is discrimination, depicting him as a white male is racism. Both wrongs must be put right. Therefore, each Anglican service should begin with the assertion ‘God is a woman and she is black.’ The old-fashioned ‘in the name of…’ is hereby shelved until further notice, or, by way of concession to tradition, modified to say, ‘In the name of the Mum, the child and their mode of transgender communication.’

3) The Lord’s Prayer is hereby renamed The Lady’s Prayer. The key changes, apart from the modernisation of the language to a point where all feminists can understand it, should be ‘Our Mother who may or may not be in heaven’, ‘Your queendom will come’ and ‘The queendom is all yours, m’am.’

4) God the Mum may or may not have had a son, but that doesn’t mean she had no other children. In all likelihood Jesus Christ wasn’t so much a man as a composite representation of them all, boys and girls. Applying the same principle of ‘affirmative action’, it must therefore be assumed that Jesus was a woman. He must henceforth be referred to as ‘Daughter of God’.

5) Following the general directional vector of our education, the language of scripture must be reduced to the lowest common denominator, to make it accessible to all persons, including feminists. For the purposes of this exercise, the idiom popularised by Ali G may be employed most profitably. For example, the question Pontius Pilate posed to the Daughter of God must now read, ‘Is you da gov’nor of da front-wheel massive?’

Hope this has been helpful. All Darcs are cordially invited to come to me if they need any further help. I’ll always be happy to oblige – as Deity the Mum, the Daughter and the Mode of Transgender Communication is my witness.





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