Earlier this morning I went to a psychiatric clinic to visit a good friend, passionate eco campaigner. In fact, it was our shared commitment to net zero that had brought us together in the first place.
Before he fell ill, we used to come up with radical but perfectly realistic schemes, such as confiscating all cars, including electric ones, and replacing them with horses, donkeys and mules.
But then my friend went off the rails. He kept insisting that our planet was on its last legs, and the only way to save it was to clone Greta Thunberg in a billion copies and use them as fuel for power stations.
This morning he asked me if I had got in touch with Greta. When I told him she wouldn’t return my calls, he accused Greta and me of complicity in the plot to murder our planet. He then tried to bite me, which was my cue to depart.
Yet on the way out I caught some snippets of a conversation between a doctor and a patient. By the looks of him, the psychiatrist came from somewhere on the Subcontinent, whereas the patient’s heavy accent betrayed him as my former countryman.
DOCTOR: And how are we this morning?
PATIENT: We would be fine, but for the Yanks.
DOCTOR: And what have they done now?
PATIENT: They are being ungrateful bastards.
DOCTOR: There, there, let’s not get agitated. How are they ungrateful?
PATIENT: You see, it’s only because of Russia that they exist at all. We pulled them out of the [EXPLETIVE DELETED] several times. First, during their revolution. Then during their civil war. Then in both world wars. But for us, they wouldn’t even have their [EXPLETIVE DELETED] country.
DOCTOR: It’s fascinating. Learn something every day.
PATIENT: Too bloody right. And now Mexico is about to reclaim all the territories the Yanks grabbed in 1848. So they’re going to turn to Russia again, begging us to help them keep their country together. And what will we say? You want to keep arming the [EXPLETIVE DELETED] Ukies? So you can go [EXPLETIVE DELETED] yourselves.
DOCTOR: Yes, I suppose fair’s fair.
PATIENT: Even if the Mexicans don’t get them, they’ll still fall apart – soon. The South will split away from the North, and without our help this time around the North will be able to do [EXPLETIVE DELETED] all about it.
DOCTOR: Another civil war then?
PATIENT: You bet your bottom rouble. And not just in Yankland either.
DOCTOR: Oh really? Where else then?
PATIENT: In the EU, that’s where. The krauts will go for it again, and we’ll just sit back and watch. No help from us this time. The frogs will be welcome to help themselves. And [EXPLETIVE DELETED] themselves.
DOCTOR: So what’ll happen to the EU then?
PATIENT: It’ll fall apart. And Russia will dominate Europe. As she has always done. Both under the tsars and under the Soviets. Dominating Europe is our [EXPLETIVE DELETED] birthright.
DOCTOR: And what will you do when you take over Europe?
PATIENT: We’ll crosspollinate them with the Russians to make those Europeans more spiritual and less homosexual. You see, the Russians have an extra gene of spirituality and none at all of homosexuality.
DOCTOR: Yes, I know, you’ve told me before. And you are also great warriors, aren’t you?
PATIENT: Too [EXPLETIVE DELETED] right. Russia has never lost a war in her history, and never [EXPLETIVE DELETED] well will. Those subhuman Ukies are going down.
DOCTOR: Of course. But here’s the thing. I remember reading somewhere about the Crimean war, then the one with Japan, then Afghanistan…
[At that point, the patient started frothing at the mouth and reaching for the doctor’s throat. The latter sidestepped the attack expertly and, as if by magic, burly men in white coats appeared, waving a straitjacket in the air. I beat my retreat.]
FOOTNOTE: I made up that whole scene and indeed my visit to that hospital. Yet I didn’t make up the claims made by my fictional Russian patient.
Every one of them comes from a recent speech by KGB General (ret.) Nikolai Patrushev, long-time chief of Russia’s Security Council, and one of the candidates mooted as a possible successor to Putin. He didn’t make up those claims either. This is all the standard fare of Russian propaganda, constantly peddled by senior Russian officials and Putin himself.
I could offer a few comments, but there’s really no point, is there? Putin and his merry men are perfectly capable of speaking for themselves.
1 thought on “Overheard at mental hospital”
Finally! An energy plan that makes sense!
And I always fly a Soviet or Russian flag on important dates in our history, in honor of their unwavering support: January 27 – end of the Vietnam War; February 2 – end of the Mexican-American War; April 9 – end of the civil War; May 7 – end of the war with Germany; July 4 – Declaration of Independence; July 27 – end of the Korean War; September 2 – end of the war with Japan; October 19 – end of the Revolutionary War; November 11 – end of the war with Germany; December 10 – end of the Spanish-American War; December 24 – End of the War of 1812. My goodness! So many wars! We are forever in their debt.