Before Dave returned to London he had met at a secret location with Barack Obama, Angela Merkel and François Hollande. The subject of the conference was Syria.
By one of those serendipities that define history, I’ve managed to get hold of a transcript of the meeting, and I’m happy to share its contents with you.
BO: What’s happening, Dave? How they hanging, boy?
DC: Well, I was chillaxing in Cornwall with Sam when you called…
BO: Ah, the girl with the dolphin tattoo. Michelle has a lot of time for her.
AM: Was ist das, ‘chillaxing’?
DC: It’s what the French do in August.
FH: But oui, toute la France et en vacance. But we must get back to our muttons, is that not so?
DC: Quite. I say bomb the bastards flat. How else are we going to get rid of the last secular regime in the Middle East?
BO: Yes, but Sergei told me the other day I don’t know what the (expletive deleted) I’m playing with. Said there’s every chance the Russkies would fire on any (expletive deleted) ship firing on Syria.
DC: Yes, and pigs will fly.
AM: Schweinen don’t fly.
DC: That’s the point. The Russians are all talk. Lavrov is just bluffing. They won’t engage us in a month of Sundays.
AM: A month has only four Sundays. Vier.
FH: Not in France in August (laughs).
BO: Guys, let’s keep our eyes on the ball. What are we trying to achieve here?
FH: But mon cher Barack, you know what it is. We want the Middle East to be as Musulman as Saint-Denis, but no?
DC: Like Bradford.
AM: Like Duisburg.
FH: Yes, no laïcité for the Middle East. We want it all for ourselves, but no?
BO: But guys, the UN is playing hard to get. The Russkies and the Chinese are gonna block any resolution on military action…
AM: Who cares about the UN when God is on our side? Gott mit uns.
FH: Isn’t that what your SS used to say?
AM: Jawohl! And they could fight. Unlike some others I could mention…
FH: Ecoute, sale boche…
BO: Guys, c’mon, not now… Tell’em, Dave. Like it is.
DC: Yes, well, crikey, gosh, chaps, let’s be serious now. Our economies are in the poo…
AM: Mein economy isn’t in the dreck.
DC: Fine, Angie, yours isn’t. But if we all go down the tubes, we’ll suck you in with us. So what we need is a war, the bigger the better. And anyway, Assad used gas on innocent people…
AM: Like François after dinner.
FH: Ecoute, you sale boche…
BO: But I hear some of those innocent people eat human organs…
AM: At least they don’t eat frogs…
DC: Angie, please. You may think you’re going to win your election no matter what. But I need a war and François… well he definitely needs one. In the last poll he was behind Heinrich Himmler.
AM: Himmler ist tot. Dead.
DC: I meant figuratively. And Barack, why are you holding back? Didn’t you say that gas meant crossing the red line?
FH: He doesn’t want to attack les Musulmans. Peut-être because he himself…
BO: Oh shut the (expletive deleted) up already, Frank. Not that old chestnut again.
AM: I don’t like chestnuts.I like würst.
DC: Chaps, can we stay on the subject? Please? We want war, we want an Islamised Middle East. Over to you, Barack, let those Tomahawks fly. Assad used gas…
BO: Or not. Those UN guys…
DC: Are being used for target practice.
AM: Das ist verrückt. Mad. All this talk. When you decide to go, you go. Marschieren!
FH: Oui, all the way to Stalingrad.
BO: Guys, guys…
DC: Chaps, chaps…
BO: Guys, what are we arguing about? We know what needs doing. Let’s just wait a day or two, see what comes down the pike. Easy does it.
AM: Nein! Easy doesn’t do it! We Germans do it!
DC: Well, on that note…
To my horror I’ve just realised that the last page of the transcript is missing. This means I can’t tell you how the meeting ended. Not to worry, we’ll find out in a day or two. Just like Barack says.
Meanwhile I hope you’ll share my joy at knowing that the future of the world is in safe hands.