All of you, my readers, doubtless espouse and practise Judaeo-Christian morality, which condones only marital sex in the missionary position. Perhaps a special dispensation can be obtained for one or two more adventurous postures, but that’s it.
Hence, since all deviations are unequivocally off limits, it’s a safe assumption that none of you has ever tried or indeed desired rapture with a species other than Homo sapiens of the opposite sex.
However, the very fact that you are my readers proves beyond any doubt that you are blessed with fecund imagination. Thus it would be no hardship for you to picture another species with which you’d prefer to have sex if you had to.
If your imagination doesn’t stretch that far, as mine doesn’t, then you ought to know that, according to The Sexual Pathology medical journal I once read in a professional capacity, the most abused species in the UK are, in descending order, dogs, seagulls [sic!], cats, sheep and pigs.
These are very different creatures, but they all have one feature in common. Should they reject a man’s advances, they are unlikely to communicate their displeasure in a murderous way.
That means British seekers of perverse pleasure are not only unsporting and unfair, but also out-and-out wimps. Projecting this last characteristic onto their martial potential in case our armed forces require their services, one has to fear for the battle worthiness of the British army.
Now, if you still doubt which side will be the likely winner of the next world war, you should follow the relevant story in today’s papers, complete with an amateur video.
For the amorously enterprising Russians, in addition to targeting the usual defenceless species, also seek non-consensual gratification with animals who can say ‘no’ in an extremely emphatic way – namely bears.
The video shows one such animal barely (no pun intended) escaping rape by virile Russians in Siberia, who ran the bear over with their SUV. As the poor animal lay trapped under their wheels, the Russians instantly improvised the subsequent steps.
They would first have their jollies with the bear and then knife it to death. The articles don’t specify the animal’s sex, but I cordially hope it was female – I’d hate to find out that my former countrymen are perverts.
Unfortunately for them, the potential victim managed to get itself (herself?) free before that ambitious plan could be realised. It (she?) then proceeded to destroy the tyres of the attackers’ vehicle with its (her?) claws and teeth.
Had the pleasure-seekers not had by some miracle another vehicle handy, the (she-?) bear would have done similar damage to their bodies. As it was, they fled, adding a new twist to Shakespeare’s stage direction from Act III of The Winter’s Tale (“Exit, pursued by a bear”).
In due course they were arrested and charged with cruelty to animals, with a few months in prison a distinct possibility. There they may expand their romantic horizons even further, this time on the receiving end.
I suppose a moral, or even moralising, conclusion is in order, but I can’t really think of one. Other than repeating the old up-country adage “Nowt as queer as folk” – especially if the folk happen to be Russian.