Over a lifetime I’ve assumed that women add up to roughly 50 per cent of our bedroom population. This has certainly been the case in my own sleeping quarters practically ever since I started wearing long trousers.
Tempora mutantur and all that, but simple arithmetic would suggest that, when males and females share such quarters even nowadays, they add 50 per cent each to the sum total. Even if they prefer solitary slumber, the proportion will still remain roughly the same, with a slight allowance for the greater number of women in the population.
Lest you might think I’m a stick-in-the-mud, I hasten to reassure you that I’m well aware of the growing tendency of men sleeping with men, and women with women. Here one’s calculations become more difficult, for one never knows whether such unisex bedrooms attract more male or female couples.
That is, such calculations used to be more difficult.
A government-backed report has proudly announced that female representation in bedrooms now “modestly exceeds” 25 per cent, which counterintuitive figure represents a vast improvement over a paltry 12.5 per cent in 2011.
I never realised things had changed that much. I’ve vaguely heard of the new-fangled practice of men marrying men, but reducing female representation in bedrooms to a risible 12.5 per cent strikes one as lamentable.
So much happier does one become on hearing that the proportion now stands at 25 per cent, which to one’s traditionally trained eye still looks low, but at least the vector seems to be pointing the right way.
It won’t be long before female representation in bedrooms will reach…. Oh my God, I’ve done it again.
My wife has just looked over my shoulder, called me a dyslexic twat, and pointed out that the report I’ve read talks about female representation not in bedrooms but in boardrooms – specifically those of FTSE 100 companies.
How silly of me, must talk to that nice girl at Specsavers. Oh well, this changes the story from slightly titillating to downright menacing.
Apparently the government mandates that, unlike our bedrooms that are still randomly split more or less 50-50, the chromosomal composition of our boardrooms is actually for the law to decide. Nothing is to be left to chance.
Even though FTSE 100 companies are supposed to be owned by their shareholders, who historically decide how and by whom the firms are run, it’s up to the government to rule who should be elevated to the board.
The only whiff of disagreement one observes in the rarefied HMG atmosphere seems to be whether the number of women sitting at the long oval table should be measured absolutely or proportionally. While acknowledging the dire and indisputable need for regulation, Lord Davies, Minister of State for Trade and God Knows What Else, favours the former.
However, His Lordship mournfully explains that ‘gender inequality’ (I had to look the term up, for at first I thought he was talking about grammatical categories) is far from being the sole problem. ‘Ethnic inequality’ is a parallel and equally pressing concern.
“In order to combat both issues,” says The Times, “he urged graduates not to work for companies which were not diverse.”
This strikes me as slightly wishy-washy. The government should never leave such vital matters to be decided by personal choice. Urging isn’t good enough – ordering works so much better. Where does Lord Davies think we live, a free country?
Here’s my modest proposal. At a cost to be calculated but not to exceed £10 billion, police details must be placed at the entrance to all companies (not just the FTSE 100 ones) where diversity isn’t up to desired levels.
All young persons walking in should be subjected to a quick police interview, according to this sample questionnaire:
“Where do you think you’re going, sunshine?” [If the answer indicates that the entrant is a job seeker, proceed to the next statement.]
“Keep walking, mate [or, if female, ‘love’], and if you ever show your face here again, I’ll do you.” [Should the interviewee enquire where he/she should seek employment then, proceed to the next statement.]
“Not my department, mate/love. Call Lord Davies’s office, they’ll sort you out.”
I feel confident that, should this proposal be taken up and acted upon, the current target of 33 per cent female representation by 2020 will be exceeded, as will be the target for a pleasing racial and ethnic mix.
Of course, to facilitate matters, it would help if the government were simply to nationalise all FTSE 100 companies and, ideally, all others as well. As the example of such economic powerhouses as the Soviet Union shows, this would not only simplify control but would also increase productivity and hence the living standards in the nation.
But I realise with quite some chagrin that this decisive step may be slightly premature. We’ll have to wait until Corbyn’s premiership for such benefits to be bestowed on the nation.
I wish I could offer not just sound advice but also tangible help. Alas, I no longer have any involvement with boardrooms.
I do, however, retain some control of my bedroom, and I hereby undertake to make sure its own ‘gender composition’ will stay at least 50 per cent female for the foreseeable future.