Having despaired of ever harmonising the economies and cultures across Europe, the EU has decided to harmonise the bogs instead.
Thomas Crapper’s invention now must flush exactly the same way from Finland to Greece and everywhere in between. No more than five litres per cistern or three per half-flush, get this, you British wastrel?
Of course such a destiny-changing innovation couldn’t have been introduced by unsubstantiated fiat. Prior research was essential to make sure proper harmony would be for everyone’s benefit. To that end the excrementally inspired European Commission spent £72,000 on a comprehensive comparison of lavatorial habits.
The resulting 122-page study is snappily titled Development of EU Ecolabel Criteria for Flushing Toilets and Urinals. Personally, I would have named it Flush in the Pan, but then I do have this inordinate affection for puns.
The title sets the stylistic standard for the subsequent prose: “Establishing ecological criteria for flushing toilets and urinals and promoting appropriately the awarded products, if accepted by a wider range of producers and users, will contribute to greener product purchases, which shall reduce the consumption of water… this should also result in… lower water pollution and eutrophication (in relation with wastewater), energy saving and lower related air emissions (in relation with water supply, wastewater treatment and product production), lower resource consumption and potentially higher resource efficiency management (in relation with product materials, longevity and recyclability issues), etc.” Nicely put.
Many have now commented on the sheer bureaucratic waste of this crappy project, but I knew all along it had to be more sinister than that. And so it is.
Being as fond of conspiracy theories as I am of puns, I’ve got to the bottom of this dastardly German plot against everything the Brits hold dear.
Now I know one isn’t supposed to generalise about national characteristics, but this doesn’t mean they don’t exist. For example, the Germans seem to be naturally (unnaturally?) inclined to coprophilia, which is deriving perverse pleasure from faeces.
In fact the only German comedy show I’ve ever seen involved four chaps talking to one another for 30 minutes while sitting on the loos. So who says the Germans don’t do humour?
Apart from listening to Wagner, nothing pleases Germans more than examining their own waste (actually, the two proclivities just may be closely related). To that end German-made loo pans are designed in such a way that the stuff doesn’t sink to the bottom before flushing, but floats on the surface for the user’s delectation.
Part of the reason the German are so suspicious of the Brits is that we don’t include this particular perversion into our list of favourites. Instead we concentrate on those we share with the more southern EU members, such as Greece.
Since Germany is the driving force behind the EU, the Germans expect the Brits to resemble them rather than the Greeks. When this expectation is frustrated, they have traditionally united their own nation and, given half the chance, many others under the slogan Gott Strafe England (God punish England).
In this instance England must be punished for paying insufficient attention to matters faecal, which to the Germans betokens a certain gastric, not to mention moral, laxity.
Then the Germans, whose infantile competitiveness matches what my late friend Zigmund would describe as their anal retentiveness, noticed that they lag far behind the Brits in overall alcohol consumption.
How can they bring the imbibing Brits down a peg? Scheiße! said the Germans when they couldn’t come up with an immediate solution. And then – in a flash – they realised that was the solution.
Drinking heavily means going to the loo more often, nicht wahr? This means that, provided those Englische schweinen flush after themselves, they must use up more water than the Germans. Worth checking, that.
Check it they did, £72,000 worth, and sure enough – the Brits do flush 30 percent more water than any other EU nation. Suddenly, German coprophilia, distaste for the British and irresistible urge to bully Europe all came together.
Halt! Hende hoch! No more than five litres for Number Zwei, three litres for Number Ein! If you don’t follow this order, get off the loo. Raus!
The rest of the EU meekly went along. When asked to comment on this development, Jose Manuel Barroso issued this official statement: “S*** happens.”
There, I hope you’ll accept this bit of detective work as being true to life. And if you think I’m trying to be funny, think again.
There’s really no need to mock the EU. It can mock itself much more successfully, if not always intentionally.