A British woman, 31, living in Dubai argued with her Ukrainian flatmate over the use of the dining room table during lockdown.
The argument was conducted over WhatsApp, which is odd. Why not face-to-face? Whenever Penelope and I have an argument, we do so without resorting to electronic media. That way I can watch her facial expressions and know when a punch is coming.
Then again, the Dubai flat may well be much larger than ours. No one would wish to walk across a dozen rooms to sort out the use of furniture items.
Anyway, it was WhatsApp that provided a battlefield of cultural war. And, in keeping with her culture, the British woman concluded the dispute with “fuck you”.
Outlanders among you may not realise this, but this largely desemanticised locution is a popular greeting throughout Her Majesty’s realm. To emphasise the friendly nature of the expression, it’s often accompanied by the salutation ‘mate’, which highlights British commitment to universal camaraderie.
If you plan to visit Britain, be prepared to find yourself on the receiving end of this idiom each time a stranger you’ve accidentally jostled wishes to befriend you. And whatever you do please don’t be offended. Your interlocutor may take that as a rejection of his friendship and respond with physical chastisement.
The Ukrainian woman was deaf to such cultural nuances. She did indeed take offence, and then acted according to the imperatives of her own culture – by reporting the Briton to the police.
You see, the Soviet Union has left its former constituents a rich legacy of civic responsibility. All citizens were encouraged to report crimes, even minor or nonexistent, to the authorities. Depending on the severity of the crime and regardless of whether it was real or imaginary, the authorities would then mete out just punishment.
The system’s output proved its efficacy: millions of people ended up in labour camps, sometimes over trivial arguments similar to the one in question. This approach to legality proved so successful that Britain is introducing a similar system, with children encouraged to inform on their parents, friends on one another’s tax irregularities, and everybody on lockdown violations.
However, in Britain the system of universal snitching is only making its first tentative steps, while in the Ukraine it’s unfathomably on the way out. However, as our example shows, it hasn’t quite reached the exit yet.
So there we have it, two cultures clashing. Yet the conflict wouldn’t have led to a dramatic denouement had it not occurred within the domain of a third culture, that of the UAE.
Muslim lands are now the last unconquered bastions of morality and probity. Spare the rod and spoil the visitor seems to be the guiding principle of Islamic jurisprudence.
For Muslims insist that foreigners follow Islamic moral and legal dicta even in their own countries, not just Muslim ones. As a champion of decency, I can only regret that so far they lack the means to enforce compliance in Britain. Polygamy, for example, would be welcome, although the stoning of adulterers may be premature at this time.
Compared to some other lands, Dubai is unconscionably liberal in its laws. Even alcohol consumption doesn’t incur beheading, stoning, defenestration or caning, as it may elsewhere. However, a line has to be drawn somewhere.
Hence cybercrime, including the use of abusive language on electronic media, is punishable by a hefty fine or even up to two years at the Emir’s pleasure. That added an interesting twist to the trilateral clash of cultures.
The swearing incident occurred in October, but the offender didn’t realise she was in trouble until last week, when she decided to go home after a two-year stay in Dubai. She shipped all her belongings to Britain and tried to board a plane, nostalgically looking forward to that first bite of Cornish pasty.
However, she was arrested upon arrival at the airport and is now awaiting trial. The defendant-to-be tried to plead with her accuser, begging her to withdraw the charge. But the law-abiding Ukrainian held firm. “It’s now a criminal matter,” she explained. Dura lex, sed lex, as they say in Kiev.
There’s much we can learn from this tale of woe. First, we must all hone our cultural awareness, reminding ourselves that all cultures are equally worthy and most of them are superior to ours. Second, we must consider the efficacy of snitching as a moral regulator.
In the past, disputes were settled by duelling. Now we don’t have to risk bloodshed any longer. All we have to do is report an offender to Customs & Excise. Even if a subsequent audit reveals no irregularities, the old adage comes into play: you can beat the charge, but you can’t beat the hassle.
And third, don’t even think of going to Dubai or any other Muslim land. No matter how culturally aware you are, you may still find yourself in deep… well, trouble of course. What did you think I was going to say?