Trump to buy Vatican

According to unconfirmed reports, President Trump has tendered an offer to buy the Roman Catholic confession and its headquarters in the Vatican city-state.

“Listen, Pope, I gotta be mad to give you this price, but hey, a deal’s a deal, you follow?”

The offer, which is seen as a friendly takeover, is believed to involve an unspecified cash amount and also share options.

As part of the deal, Donald Trump Sr, Donald Trump Jr, Eric Trump and Jared Kushner will be raised to the college of cardinals, Ivanka Trump will take the veil and be appointed Mother Super-Superior, Pope Francis will join the US administration as Honorary Vice President, while all cardinals, depending on their seniority, will acquire the titles of honorary senators or congressmen.

The rumour mill is abuzz with the news. Apparently, President Trump has struck a deal with Disney, Europe, to redevelop the Vatican site into a theme park provisionally called In God We Trust. The name reflects both the religious and commercial aspects of the facility, emphasising its dual nature.

The site currently occupied by the Vatican Museum will be converted to a casino, with optional prayers offered before every roll of dice or spin of the roulette wheel.

US marines will replace the Swiss guards as the sentinels-cashiers at the Vatican gates, with the price of entry structured to offer sizeable discounts to Roman Catholics. The theme park’s flag will incorporate an amalgamated motif by following the general design of the US flag, but with crosses replacing the stars.

When pressed for confirmation, President Trump declined comment. Instead he posted this tweet: “Where I comes from, the school of hard knockers, no real estate deal is off the table. If a company’s strapped for cash, and I don’t give two flying bucks what kind of company it is, it’s ripe for plucking. God may be real, but the Vatican is real estate. Money talks, bullshit walks.”

The reports appeared after the Danish PM Mette Frederiksen described Trump’s offer to buy Greenland as “absurd”. “I strongly hope that this is not meant seriously,” she added with a humourless smile.

Actually it was, and Mr Trump reacted to Miss Frederiksen’s statement with indignation. “The United States,” he fumed, “is me, and I’m the United States. And you don’t talk to the United States that way.”

“Essentially it’s a large real estate deal, like most things in life. And Denmark is trading at a loss there coz they’re losing almost $700m a year carrying Greenland.

“I tell that Danish broad, listen, I’ll give you the same deal I’d give my own mother. And what does the broad do? She mocks me. Well, I kid you never, nobody mocks the United States and gets away with it.”

However, no plans to occupy Greenland by force seem to be mooted. “That Danish broad,” tweeted the president, “can keep her Greenland and shove it where the sun don’t shine. Well, actually God already done that.”

Depending on the progress of the Vatican takeover, Mr Trump is planning to move on to other ventures. He is reported to be interested in buying Reunion Island from France, Sicily from Italy and Tasmania from Australia. “When I’m hot, I’m real hot,” commented the president.

Some of the acquisitions will be funded by the sale of Alaska back to Russia, with the details being currently thrashed out by e-mails between Donald Trump and “my friend Vlad”.

All in all, a breath – nay a hurricane – of fresh air is blowing through world politics, which are finally being put on a firm commercial footing. In a move long overdue, political chatterboxes have been replaced in the White House by a man of vast business experience.

Such background equips a statesman with the ability to reduce all convoluted complexities of politics to the crystal clarity of a real estate transaction. We all stand to benefit.

5 thoughts on “Trump to buy Vatican”

  1. Yo Al!

    Mind if I call you Al?

    You’re a smart guy, Al.

    A very smart guy!

    My people have been reading some of your stuff. Ivanka read some to me after we watched some old episodes of The Apprentice together. Wasn’t I great in that, btw? The ratings were just OFF THE SCALE! She’s got Brains as well as Beauty, Ivanka. If I wasn’t her Dad…. and I’m the best Dad, really tremendous Dad!!

    You were right when you wrote that those Democrat women were Un-American. So right! Smart.

    But this right here is FAKE NEWS. Really sad! I never said any of those things. Don’t be a loser, Al! Vatican is SMALL. No oil! Sad, failing city! Australia. Now there’s a country! And they speak English! Southern Hemisphere = KFC 24/7. Everyone’s a winner. There’s a GREAT DEAL to be made there.

    You know, I could maybe use a smart guy like you, Al. Give my office a call sometime.


  2. No real benefit to Denmark. This is all about acquitstion of rare earths. Seems China controls 95 % of rare earths absolutely essential for modern microelectronics. He who controls rare earths controls the earth?

    President Truman made such a proposal to buy Greenland in 1947.

    I might wonder too what percentage of those rare earths as mined by the Chinese is mined by GULAG style labor.

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