Don’t be silly: of course I don’t mean Sicherheitsdienst des Reichsführers-SS, the intelligence arm of the SS.
That SD is no longer in business. However, the German Social Democratic party still is, and it may yet save Dave from himself and us from Dave.
You see, Angela Merkel’s near-landslide victory in the last elections didn’t get her a parliamentary majority. A coalition is necessary, and Angela’s previous partners, Free Democrats, got wiped out. This leaves the latter-day SD in pole position.
This is bad news for my friend Angela and even worse news for my friend Dave. The plan they hatched together to make Dave look like a statesman may well be lying in ruins.
The plan bears every hallmark of Angela’s capacity for dialectical thinking she developed when holding a nomenklatura position in East Germany’s Kommunistischer Jugendverband Deutschlands. Officially the youth league of the communist party, it was in fact the breeding ground for the secret police.
If a combination of communism and spying can’t teach an impressionable youngster dialectical thinking, I don’t know what can. Being a bright person, Angela got the full benefit of her training.
The key concept there isn’t that the end justifies the means. It’s that the means, whatever they are, don’t need justifying. The end is all that matters.
You may call this cynicism if you wish, but I’ll call it ideal training for modern politics. This Angela demonstrated when Dave came to her with his hand outstretched.
Dave, in common with all our spivocrats, has staked his political future on keeping Britain in the EU. Not because this is good for the country, you understand, but because it’s good for Dave.
The trouble is that not only is Dave facing a stiff and growing opposition within his own party, but UKIP is threatening his continuing political survival from without.
To placate those described by John Major as ‘bastards’ Dave had to promise on a stack of Bibles (New Edition) to hold a national in-or-out referendum after the next election, thus painting himself into a corner.
Even assuming that he wins the next election outright, and this isn’t the way to bet, Dave will then have to ensure the ‘in’ vote in the referendum. The ‘out’ result will mean not only out of the EU but also out with Dave. An immediate leadership challenge will move into Number 10 a young Eurosceptic who’ll claim he was right all along.
Yet launching a no-holds-barred campaign for an ‘in’ vote is a non-starter for Dave. It would only serve to deepen the rift with his own party, while further empowering UKIP.
That’s where Angela’s dialectical thinking came in handy. Dave, who isn’t manifestly endowed with a capacity for dialectical or any other thinking, came to her for help and she didn’t disappoint.
“Dave,” said Angela, “don’t be a dummkopf. You’re not as deep in the dreck as you think. You can still do it, mein schatze.”
“Yeah,” said Dave dolefully. “And pigs will fly.”
“Schweinen don’t fly,” explained Angela sternly. “But politicians, even Englische politicians, must think.”
She then outlined her dialectical stratagem. Dave will declare that he could repatriate every conceivable power from the EU, making departure from the Union redundant. For her part, Angela will use her influence to toss Dave enough repatriation bones to make Britain appear relatively independent.
Once the ‘bastards’ have gnawed on the bones, and Dave has been firmly ensconced at Number 10, the bones will be withdrawn. It’ll be business as usual. Job done.
“Yes, but will it work?” asked Dave, his voice full of hope.
“Don’t be a dummkopf, Dave,” said Angela. “We’ve done it before, we’ll do it again. Don’t you worry your pretty little head, schatze. Alles will be in ordnung.”
The best laid schemes of mice and men, and all that. The problem is that Angela’s likely partners in the next coalition, the SD party, never received training in dialectics courtesy of the communist party and its secret police.
They are quite obtuse in their commitment to a single pan-European, and ideally global, state. Pure Marx, that, unadulterated by KGB dialectics.
This means they won’t allow even token concessions to Britain that might grant her a special status within the EU. So there goes Angela’s plan right out of the fenster (window to Dave).
Much as I find the ideals of social democracy hard to sympathise with, in this isolated instance I feel like screaming, “Hoch SD!” These Germans may yet even out the English playing field.