This is the official launch of the Helena Torry for Prime Minister campaign.
Admittedly, Miss Torry has only just entered politics by standing in the Aberdeen council elections. This means she faces a steep uphill climb to Downing Street.
She’ll have to secure her seat on the council. Then she’ll have to be selected as a parliamentary candidate for a major party, preferably the one consonant with her surname. Assuming that Miss Torry ends up in Whitehall, she’ll then have to win a leadership contest, and then the national elections.
Yet she’s clearly on a fast track, something she eminently deserves. I for one am certain that Miss Torry will succeed – partly due to the campaign I’m launching, but mostly thanks to her unique credentials. Judge for yourself:
Miss Torry (I hope she won’t mind if I henceforth refer to her by her Christian name) has never advocated, and is guaranteed never to advocate, a single stupid and destructive policy.
Unlike Cameron, Johnson and Gove, to say nothing of Labour and LibDem pols, Helena will never seek cheap popularity with the Islington set by coming out in favour of homomarriage.
Unlike Blair and Brown, Helena won’t run the country into the ground.
Unlike Cameron and Osborne, Helena will never settle for cosmetic economic measures designed to score political points and guaranteed to do nothing to prevent a disaster.
Unlike Cable, his party, all of Labour and some of the Conservatives, Helena doesn’t believe that taxing the rich extortionately, and the rest of us exorbitantly, will help the economy.
Unlike Ken Clark, most of Labour and all LibDems, Helena will never sell British independence for a mess of EU pottage.
Unlike Cameron, some of his own parliamentary party and the entirety of the other two, Helena will never try to force the C of E to accept women bishops, thereby losing all claim to being an apostolic church.
Unlike the Commons Home Affairs Committee, Helena won’t pave the way to the legalisation of drugs – and she’s guaranteed never to listen to Russell Brand’s advice on this, or any other, matter.
Unlike Clegg, Helena won’t abuse her position in national politics by openly campaigning for a job in Brussels.
Unlike MPs from all parties, Helena will never fiddle her expenses, nor commit any other fiscal impropriety.
The list can go on and on, but any sensible person would already have been persuaded that Helena Torry possesses a unique combination of sagacity, moral strength, firmness of character, self-effacement, taciturnity and commitment never to use political office for personal gain.
If this person is not only sensible but also observant, he’ll notice that the list of Helena’s sterling credentials is slightly on the negative side. It’s heavy on things she will eschew but light on those she will actually do.
One has to admit that this is something of a drawback. Yet if we extend the Hippocratic oath from physicians to politicians, then surely the first requirement is that they should do no harm. And it is this criterion that all our politicians fail to meet.
There’s a lot to be said for a government that does nothing, as we can confidently expect that if it did do something it would only be to the detriment of the country. As an example, look at Belgium which in the very recent past had no government at all for almost a year. And yet the country never missed a beat, functioning as well, or as badly, as before or since.
Yes, Helena would make a fantastic MP and the best PM we could possibly hope for. Yet one fears that her career will be cut short by one minor flaw: Helena Torry isn’t human.
You may argue that neither are most of our politicians, and, figuratively speaking, you’d be right. But Helena isn’t human in the most literal sense. She is a mannequin, a 5-foot dummy registered in Aberdeen elections by the pensioner Renee Slater.
Miss Slater has now been charged under the Representation of the People Act, and her trial is set for April. Helena Torry has been taken into police custody, where she will remain indefinitely. And we, the British public, will be deprived of a perfect candidate for high office.
We don’t have to take it lying down. For people have a voice in a democracy, and they can and must be heard. So I hope you’ll join me in my support for reinstating Helena Torry in British politics.
We really can’t do any better. And anyone with eyes to see and ears to hear will know we can do a lot worse.