I’ve sussed it out: both Dave and Nick support homomarriage because they want to divorce their spouses and marry each other.
It’s their secret romance that had to be behind their original political marriage – hard to think of any other reason, considering the hitherto irreconcilable differences between their parties. But two hearts, two souls, two bodies genuinely drawn to each other can’t be put asunder by inconsequential politics.
Naturally, Dave and Nicky will have to look for a reasonably liberal congregation, for more orthodox churches tend to frown on divorces and remarriages. That, however, shouldn’t present a problem, at least not within the C of E as it is these days.
As to the other obstacle, them both being biological males, this uncool barrier has already been removed de facto and is about to be removed de jure. Dave will see to it. Yet he did say magnanimously that ‘if there’s any church or any synagogue or any mosque that doesn’t want to have a gay marriage, it will not be forced to hold it.’
I’d pay good money to watch Dave trying to force an imam to marry two men, but mercifully he won’t have to. All Dave needs is just one with-it vicar ready to move with the times by joining this strictly biological man Dave and this strictly biological man Nicky in holy matrimony.
I for one would wish them many years of marital bliss only rarely marred by the kind of petty squabbles for which more traditional couples are so widely known. Why, I can see it before my eyes even as we speak.
Here are the happy couple at home, discussing their plans for the weekend. Dave is wearing a snazzy smoking jacket over his FC Chelsea home strip, while Nicky is clad in a stylish M&S house dress slit at the thigh. They sit on their Queen Anne sofa, arms around each other’s shoulders, watching a rerun of Eastenders on their 52-inch TV.
‘Oh by the way, sweetie pie’ says Dave. ‘We’re going to Tony’s tonight. He’s holding a teensy-weensy party – just him, Cherie, us and 400 of his closest friends.’
‘Now you tell me,’ pouts Nicky. ‘When was that decided?’
‘Tone rang this morning when you were drying your hair, honey-bunny. Sorry I forgot to mention it, sugar buns.’
‘But you always do this to me, you nasty person,’ says Nicky and takes his/her arm off Dave’s shoulders. ‘I’m a person too, you know. I’m not just a skivvy at his nibs’s beck and call.’
‘Please forgive me, love,’ pleads Dave. ‘I know I promised we’d make all decisions together but I thought just this once… I know you like Tone, don’t you, darling? Once or twice, before we got married, I even saw you flirt with him. Labour of love, you called it, you naughty thing.’
‘Jealous, are we? You never give me any space. I deserve some emotional autonomy, I’m not just your chattel you know.’
‘I know that, sweetie pie. But… if you have no other plans…’
‘It so happens I have,’ says Nicky petulantly, his/her face reflecting newly found self-respect. ‘I was going shopping with Angie this afternoon. Then we’ll stop for one of those yummy cream teas at Brown’s and chat about that job she says I can have if I’m a good girl.’
‘Which job, honey bunch?’ Dave sits up abruptly and lowers the volume on the remote. ‘Your job is at home, with me. I thought we’d agreed on that.’
‘Yes, well, I thought, you know, with the economy being what it is, I could bring in some extra money. Angie’s company has plenty of vacancies, it’s the only one hiring at the moment.’
‘No wife of mine will have to take a fulltime job, and that’s that,’ says Dave firmly, but then softens the impact by patting Nicky’s shapely thigh.
‘Who’s talking about fulltime?’ smiles Nicky, pressing Dave’s hand against his/her thigh. ‘Don’t you know about Angie and José Manuel? The way they run their shop? All I’ll have to do for a couple of hours every other week will be walk around looking pretty and welcoming new customers.’
‘Yes, you could be good at that sort of thing, babes,’ says Dave. ‘And they’re going to pay you for that?’
‘Yes they are, and I’ll thank you for not being condescending. Actually, my pay will be better than yours, so there!’
‘Oh well, in that case… Still, I don’t see what the problem is, baby doll. Have your tea with Angie, then I’ll pick you up in town and we’ll go over to Tone’s. Haven’t seen him for at least a fortnight.’
‘That long, is it? The way you two carry on, one would think you’ve married him, not me…’
‘You’re not going jealous on me? Tone and I are strictly business, we have a few irons in the fire…’
‘Oh gosh, that reminds me,’ says Nicky slapping her forehead. ‘I need to iron your shirt for tonight…’
A true idyll if you’ve ever seen one. Wouldn’t it be cruel to deny Dave and Nicky such tranquil happiness? No wonder, Dave is ‘a massive supporter of marriage’ who doesn’t ‘want gay people to be excluded from a great institution.’
So fine, he and Nicky have a personal stake in this matter. But who are we to decide that a marriage between these two gorgeous people should be denied a church blessing? We’re nobodies.