That’s right, Penelope fell victim to a heinous assault… Sorry, I’m so overcome with rage I can’t even get started. Give me a second…
No, thanks, I don’t think a glass of water will help. Anyway, I feel better now. So I can tell you what happened.
As we were getting out of a taxi yesterday, the driver sent me on my way by saying: “Good-bye, sir”. He then turned to Penelope and…
Jumped into the back seat to assail her? Reached over to grab some portion of her anatomy that’s supposed to stay off-bounds for strangers? Drove off on screeching tyres, leaving me on the pavement and taking her to some den of iniquity?
No, none of the above. As I was helping Penelope out of the cab, the criminal driver said: “Good-bye, love”. Now if that isn’t sexual assault, I don’t know what is.
Perhaps I’ve put my finger right on it: I no longer know what sexual assault is. Does anyone? The Crown Prosecution Service certainly doesn’t, which it proved by charging former cruiserweight boxer Glenn McCrory with that very crime.
The ex-champ, now almost 60, was a guest speaker at a pre-fight dinner. At some point he felt he was being ignored by the waitresses. Trying to attract the attention of one of them, he touched her elbow and – brace yourself – addressed her as ‘pet’.
Did he then throw the waitress on the floor to have his wicked way with her amidst the noisy crowd? No. That was it, his whole crime, the one that put him in the dock at a criminal court.
Now, in case you are unfamiliar with British mores, the lower classes routinely address female strangers with terms of endearment, such as ‘love’, ‘pet’, ‘darling’, ‘flower’ or some such. Most men choose from a whole glossary of such salutations, their preference often depending on their age and place of origin.
I haven’t conducted any painstaking research but, from aural experience, a Londoner, such as the cabbie who assaulted Penelope so egregiously, is most likely to say ‘love’, whereas a northerner, especially a Geordie, may prefer ‘pet’.
Either of them may opt for some other friendly words, but every Geordie I’ve known addressed women as ‘pet’, whereas only a couple of Cockneys did. All those men would address a male stranger as ‘mate’, no geographic variety there at all.
In case you’re wondering, the word ‘mate’ doesn’t imply a lifelong friendship between the two men. It’s just a friendly proletarian way of addressing a stranger whose name one doesn’t know.
By the same token, the word ‘love’ doesn’t necessarily imply the existence of an amorous relationship, nor a hope for one. And ‘pet’ doesn’t suggest the speaker’s wish to have the woman fetch him his slippers in her mouth or bark to be taken walkies.
Mr McCrory comes from County Durham, which makes him a Geordie. When realising he wasn’t getting any service he bent down from his 6’4” to the diminutive waitress, touched her elbow to catch her attention and, addressing her as ‘pet’, asked for his starter.
That earned him three counts of sexual assault charges from our supposedly overworked legal authorities. The third charge was for what another poor victim described as Mr McCrory winking at her. In fact, thick scar tissue around the former boxer’s eyes makes him blink all the time. No criminal intent there.
The prosecutors laid out their case meticulously. Mr McCrory, they said, used the word ‘pet’ flirtatiously, which constituted sexual assault. Not quite rape, but the next best (sorry, I mean worst) thing.
As to getting tactile, the prosecution saw no valid difference between touching a woman’s elbow and, say, clutching her breasts. It’s a slippery slope thing: first he touches her elbow, then he… well, I’m not going to inflame your imagination with lewd suggestions of subsequent possibilities.
Mr McCrory’s crimes were committed in 2021, whereas the trial took place last week. Thus the CPS took two years to prepare an airtight case guaranteeing conviction. Finally, the evidence was sewn up, and the perplexed Mr McCrory, still unable to understand what he had done wrong, was waiting for his verdict.
Mercifully, it took the jury less than 90 minutes to acquit him of all charges. I’m sure they could have done it in 90 seconds, but that could possibly have been interpreted as contempt of court – not that the court wasn’t contemptible.
In view of all that I’ve decided not to report Penelope’s assailant to the police – this though we have a record of his licence number. Such magnanimity is a sign of civic responsibility on my part – the CPS already has its hands full pursuing men who glance at women’s legs, women who bathe their (naked!) children and anyone trying to flirt with anyone else.
Criminal behaviour of a sexual kind must be stamped out before the authorities can get down to minor indiscretions such as burglary, mugging and pickpocketing. First things first.
So I’m not going to add to the CPS’s work load, for now. But on the off chance the offending cabbie is reading this, let him know he is on a warning.
Thank you, Mr Boot, for the funniest article I’ve ever read on, ahem, sexual assault!
Thank you for reading. But I actually didn’t write it for laughs.
I recently watched an interview where a female commentator was aghast at the lack of chivalry these days. What man in his right mind would go out of his way to help, acknowledge, or even look at a woman? If asking a waitress to wait on one might be deemed a criminal offense, what are men to do? Mercifully, Mr. McCrory was acquitted. There remains some sanity in the Isles yet.
You and Mrs. Boot are fortunate the driver had not read you article of the 25th, Crime and (immoral) punishment. If he had he would have known that the best route to take after any sexual assault is to murder the victim – less time in gaol. (Or is that behavioral rehabilitation center?)
When I worked in the LA area back in 1996, pastor John Carter whose church I attended there told me rather strictly even if in a paternalistic manner: Igor, stay away from American women. I failed to follow his advice because American women were flirting with me out of curiosity – for many this was their first experience with a Russian guy who had recently arrived from Moscow and showed them the manners of a true noble gentleman, giving them warmer and longer hugs than was appropriate, helping them to put on their jackets, giving them my hand to help them not to stumble in the dark and even kissing their hands occasionally. American women were delighted to receive such treatment because they said local men were too timid fearing a charge of sexual harassment. As a foreigner I could not care less.